The Wild Ones

GLASGOW has its fair share of shady characters, most often spotted loitering on street corners in the twilight hours. Or populating the less salubrious bars, like extras in a touring production of Guys and Dolls.

It seems that some of their ilk are now invading the safe spaces of respectable folk, in the guise of innocent youth.

As evidence of this worrying trend, Maureen Beattie from Newton Mearns describes a scene she witnessed in a local coffee shop.

Two high school girls are seated at a table.

Schoolgirl 1: (pulling up the sleeve of her blazer and pointing to a faint scratch) I got that when I bumped into the blackboard.

Schoolgirl 2: (pulling down sock and gesturing to a slight bruise) I got that when I tripped in PE.

Schoolgirl 1: (giggling delightedly) I feel like we’re in jail, comparing scars.

Poodle power

STROLLING in Falkirk town centre with her husband, Janice Dayton spotted a poodle being walked by its master. The poodle was wearing a travel coat emblazoned with the words: GUARD DOG.

Our reader’s husband turned to her and whispered: “That’s the sort of false advertising that got Trump elected.”

Charity begins at home

OBSERVANT reader Harry Powell has spotted the re-emergence of those eager beavers who accost unsuspecting shoppers, then attempt to drain the contents of their bank accounts by pleading the case of charitable causes.

“Most workers continue to stay home, communicating by Zoom,” harrumphs Harry. “Can’t chuggers do likewise?”

The unpalatable truth

THE Herald recently reported that carnivorous South American fish have mysteriously appeared in the River Ness. Reader Ted Peel is concerned they will reach the adjoining loch and gobble up the nation’s favourite tourist attraction. “Then again, Nessie’s so old her flesh must be unpalatable,” adds Ted. “She probably tastes like the chicken served in an ‘all you can eat’ buffet.”

Waterway woes

WE’VE been attempting to discover the laziest person in history. Reader Russell Duncan suggests it’s whoever carelessly sowed the seeds of confusion by naming a waterway in Yorkshire the River Burn.

Is it a river? Is it a burn?

It’s probably best to quote that fine Glasgow philosopher Sir Kenneth Mathieson Dalglish at this problematic juncture: “Mibbes aye. Mibbes naw.”

Mud sticks

“SOMEONE has been dumping soil in my garden,” says reader Ralph Pearson. “The plot thickens…”