Problem takes root

TEACHER Margaret Thomson was undertaking a health project with her Primary 2 class. Focusing on dental hygiene, she asked her pupils to bring their toothbrushes to class so everyone could clean their teeth together. On the day, one wee chap was not as prepared as he should have been. "Ah couldnae bring the toothbrush,” he explained. “Ma mum needs it tae touch up her roots."

Zimmer time

EWAN McGregor has revealed he’s thrilled to be playing Obi-Wan Kenobi again in a new Star Wars TV series. One reason for his excitement is he’s now closer in age to Alec Guinness, who originated the role of Kenobi, aged sixty-three.

“I’m about to be in my fifties,” Ewan explained, before adding hastily: “Don’t tell anybody.”

Perhaps McGregor should upgrade the Star Wars weapon he previously brandished. Time to scrap that trusty lightsaber.

A laser-zapping Zimmer frame would be much more age-appropriate.

Potty sign

The fish and chip shop in Oldmeldrum appears to be doubling as a snooker hall, notes Alastair Macpherson from Alford. Apparently the sign outside reads: “Please cue at the door.”

Zonal marking

THE Diary’s inhouse lexicographer is reader Doug Maughan. He’s currently devising alternative meanings for words. Here’s his latest daffy definition: Bozone, n. Substance found in layers, commonly around politicians, which keeps self-esteem in and responsibility out; the bozone layer is believed to be indestructible.

Fighting talk

ACTOR Robbie Coltrane is exasperated by the moan-a-minute mobs of social media. “There’s a whole Twitter generation of people who hang around waiting to be offended,” he says, adding: “They wouldn’t have won the war, would they?”

True. Though they would certainly have devised a highly entertaining meme declaring their intention to surrender.

Fake fake

GLASGOW comedian Paul McDaniel has an excellent idea for a film. A meeting is held for people who suffer from Imposter Syndrome. But one person isn't supposed to be there....

Privates on parade

FANCYING an entertaining day out, Willie Ferguson and his wife managed to bag a slot to visit Kelvingrove Art Gallery. Watching youngsters scoot around the impressive building reminded our reader of the story about a six-year-old girl who visited another famous national attraction.

"Buckingham Palace is great,” she trilled. “Cos you get to see the Queen's private parts."

Weighty matters

DIARY readers are often high achievers. Jenny Clarke, for instance, has much to take pride in. “I don’t mean to boast,” she says. “But I just finished a fourteen day diet in one hour thirteen minutes.”