Property evaluation

PUB pontificators can be most profound. Reader Matt Harrison overheard two elderly blokes in a bar discussing the success of Scottish singer Lewis Capaldi.

“Apparently he bought a rare big hoose near Glesga,” said the first fellow. “It’s even got a wee summer hoose in the garden, next tae the big hoose.”

The second fellow managed to temper his enthusiasm.

“So he got his self a summer hoose,” said he. “Near Glesga. Now where’s he gonnie find his self a summer?”

Shuggie shenanigans

NOVELIST Sara Collins was raised in Grand Cayman, though she has a very exotic husband who hails from Glasgow. With this in mind, Sara felt reasonably confident when she appeared on Radio 4 arts show Front Row to rave about Glasgow-based novel Shuggie Bain.

Alas, hubby later explained that she pronounced Shuggie wrong throughout the broadcast.

There’s only one cure for such a fatal faux pas.

Doctor Diary prescribes that Sara gulp down a Still Game boxset. Followed by a Rab C. Nesbitt chaser.

Modern language

THE Diary is collecting words for our updated version of the dictionary. Our latest contribution is from Richard Davis, based in Vienna. He suggests: Flumaxed, the advice given surrounding the current health scare.

Barking mad idea

BARRHEAD-based crime writer, Christopher Brookmyre recently revealed that his editors have increasingly requested he tone down his material.

Reader Claire Nelson wonders what would have happened if authors from previous generations had been persuaded by such demands.

“Arthur Conan Doyle would have written The Chihuahua of the Baskervilles,” she says.

Name and shame

WE’VE been attempting to discover the laziest person to ever name a geographical location. Our investigations have mostly focused on Scottish place names, though John Campbell from Lewis suggests we look further afield in order to shame the indolent Canadian who came up with Newfoundland.

It is indeed a lazy moniker, especially since nobody has ever attempted to update it.

The Diary has decided to start a campaign demanding it be given a more honest label. From now on, we demand that our readers refer to the large island off the east coast of North America as Foundyonksagoland.

Their number’s up

IRRITATING Irish twins Jedward recently suggested burning books written by J.K. Rowling. Retired maths teacher Rob McQueen isn’t impressed.

“Analysing Jedward makes me want to dispense with a basic principle of my subject,” he says. “Clearly one plus one actually equals zero.”

Water good idea

ADVICE from reader Jack Hume. “Make your waterbed more buoyant. Fill it with spring water.”