Tradesman’s entrance
CORONAVIRUS briefings are like those kaleidoscope toys that children once played with. You look through the spyhole and see a confusing image. A minute later you look again. The image has changed, though it’s no less confusing.
Reader James Miller’s rebellious wife is threatening to use this spiralling uncertainty for her own benefit.
Upon learning that tradesmen are still allowed to visit people’s homes, she devised a diabolical scheme to outwit the government.
“I’m putting a spanner in my shopping trolley,” she explained to hubby. “Now I’ll be able to visit my friend’s house for coffee on the way back from Sainsbury’s.”
Wash and go
RETIRED primary teacher Amy Kinnaird from Ochiltree recalls that at the end of the school day she occasionally got her class to sing ‘Shalom, My Friend’ as they had previously discussed the Jewish greeting.
One afternoon, as everyone was about to leave, a girl named Eleanor asked if they could sing that nice song again.
Alas, Amy had to disappoint the eight-year-old by explaining that the song was not, as she seemed to believe, called ‘Shampoo My Friend’.
The big crunch
CHATTING to his grandmother, reader Stuart Fisher was recalling his exploits as a keen mountaineer, audaciously clambering up the lumpier parts of the world.
“You think that’s brave?” said gran. “Well, I bit into a Snickers bar today. And you know the problems I’ve been having with my teeth.”
Computer says no
READER Albert Masson tried using the WiFi in a local café but just got pictures of beef stew on his laptop. “Turned out to be a wireless hotpot,” he says.
Bargain basement Banksy
A PAINTING by urban artist Banksy is expected to sell for between £3-£5 million pounds. The pricey canvas, called Show Me the Monet, is an ironic take on the work of Claude Monet. Banksy’s version shows a pond filled with traffic cones and a shopping trolley.
Reader Natalie Harris says: “There’s a pond near me filled with the same sort of junk. I’m willing to take a photo of it, which I’ll gladly sell.” Our generous reader adds: “My asking price is £2999, 999. So I’m saving art collectors an entire pound. Any offers?”
Rock of ages
WE’RE collecting words for our updated version of the dictionary. Reader Angus Macmillan suggests: Presleyterianism, n. A religious grouping given to rock music, drugs and binges of over-eating.
Home improvements
“I TOLD my interior decorator I didn’t want my staircase carpeted,” says reader Dan Curran. “He just gave me a blank stare.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel