Tradesman’s entrance

CORONAVIRUS briefings are like those kaleidoscope toys that children once played with. You look through the spyhole and see a confusing image. A minute later you look again. The image has changed, though it’s no less confusing.

Reader James Miller’s rebellious wife is threatening to use this spiralling uncertainty for her own benefit.

Upon learning that tradesmen are still allowed to visit people’s homes, she devised a diabolical scheme to outwit the government.

“I’m putting a spanner in my shopping trolley,” she explained to hubby. “Now I’ll be able to visit my friend’s house for coffee on the way back from Sainsbury’s.”

Wash and go

RETIRED primary teacher Amy Kinnaird from Ochiltree recalls that at the end of the school day she occasionally got her class to sing ‘Shalom, My Friend’ as they had previously discussed the Jewish greeting.

One afternoon, as everyone was about to leave, a girl named Eleanor asked if they could sing that nice song again.

Alas, Amy had to disappoint the eight-year-old by explaining that the song was not, as she seemed to believe, called ‘Shampoo My Friend’.

The big crunch

CHATTING to his grandmother, reader Stuart Fisher was recalling his exploits as a keen mountaineer, audaciously clambering up the lumpier parts of the world.

“You think that’s brave?” said gran. “Well, I bit into a Snickers bar today. And you know the problems I’ve been having with my teeth.”

Computer says no

READER Albert Masson tried using the WiFi in a local café but just got pictures of beef stew on his laptop. “Turned out to be a wireless hotpot,” he says.

Bargain basement Banksy

A PAINTING by urban artist Banksy is expected to sell for between £3-£5 million pounds. The pricey canvas, called Show Me the Monet, is an ironic take on the work of Claude Monet. Banksy’s version shows a pond filled with traffic cones and a shopping trolley.

Reader Natalie Harris says: “There’s a pond near me filled with the same sort of junk. I’m willing to take a photo of it, which I’ll gladly sell.” Our generous reader adds: “My asking price is £2999, 999. So I’m saving art collectors an entire pound. Any offers?”

Rock of ages

WE’RE collecting words for our updated version of the dictionary. Reader Angus Macmillan suggests: Presleyterianism, n. A religious grouping given to rock music, drugs and binges of over-eating.

Home improvements

“I TOLD my interior decorator I didn’t want my staircase carpeted,” says reader Dan Curran. “He just gave me a blank stare.”