Political goals

WE recently mentioned that the actor Laurence Fox is launching his own political party. Will Jones from Glasgow’s West End hopes to do likewise. Our reader says his party will focus on the democratic deficit in Scottish football, where a grand total of two teams have bagged the vast majority of trophies since time immemorial.

The main pledge detailed in Will’s manifesto is the outlawing of anybody wearing either a blue top or green and white jersey from kicking a ball with serious intent.

We have no idea if our reader himself has any footballing allegiances. Though our suspicions were alerted when he revealed that the name of his proposed political party is Thistle Do Nicely.

Feeling sheepish

WATCHING Countryfile the other day, reader David Herriot (who may or may not be related to the famous Yorkshire vet) started thinking that it might be a profitable exercise to sell sheep online. But what to call the organisation that would do such a thing? Our commercially-minded correspondent managed to come up with three possibilities: Ramazon, Lambazon or Ewetube.

Lady be good

THE Diary has been imagining what famous novels would have been like if their authors had toned down their material. One recent suggestion was Lady Chatterley’s Facebook Friend, which we thought rather original. However, Margaret Thomson tells us that back in the fifties, when she was a student, DH Lawrence’s torrid and titillating tale was already toned down a tad. Margaret and her fellow scholars demurely referred to the naughtiest novel on their reading list as Lady Loverly’s Chatter.

Fit for purpose

THE historical crime writer Shona MacLean (who writes as SG MacLean) has been thinking about her Tomintoul granny and the dextrous Doric dialect mastered by that lady and her friends.

“What other tongue could give you such precise differences for ‘fiel’, ‘fou’ and ‘foul?” says Shona.

“Or prompt the inquiry from another old lady presented with new slippers: ‘Fit fit fits fit fit?’”

Modern meaning

WE continue collecting words for our updated version of the dictionary. Jim Nicol from Lenzie suggests:

Metaphor, n. Someone you have encountered previously.

Buyer beware

WITH more stringent lockdown rules returning, panic buying may also be on the rise again. “I went to Morrisons, Tesco and Aldi, but there weren’t any Oxo cubes anywhere,” sighs reader John Delaney. “Seems like they're out of stock.”

Fruitful inquiry

THOUGHT for the day from reader Ted Gill, who says: “If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, why don’t Daleks hide in orchards?”

Read more: Country life