Secretive 66

THERE was once a Scottish soldier stationed down south, reader Willie Ferguson tells us. A friendly chap, he had no problems with his English comrades and enjoyed many nights in the local hostelry with them. This amicable relationship was put under strain when the footballing World Cup was held.

The English soldiers, being a humble bunch, chattered enthusiastically about their team’s excellent chance of winning.

For some unfathomable reason the Scotsman took exception to such optimistic soothsaying. He stated that only Germany, Brazil and Italy could bag silverware, as they had previously experienced victory.

The Englishmen stared at their comrade incredulously. One declared: “We won the World Cup in 66.”

With a look of mild surprise, the Scot replied: “Ye kept that quiet.”

7 Up

A PSYCHOLOGIST friend of the Diary once worked for an education authority that annually tested all its Primary 7 pupils. It was well known that, every year, one headteacher gave her P7s the test for practice the day before the official date, and then repeated it on the day itself. The consistently outstanding results, and the headteacher's forename, inevitably earned her the sobriquet of Amazing Grace.

(Though perhaps her sneaky tactics for getting top marks for her young scholars should have resulted in her being named the Amazing Dis-Grace instead.)

Heavyweight contenders

WE recently mentioned those mighty wrestling fellows of the past, Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks. Reader Clive Bramley once paid to watch the two titans tussle. He recalls thinking that neither man looked like he had seen the inside of a gym or the outside of a salad. Or as one wag sitting next to Clive put it: “My bet’s on type 2 diabetes winning this one.”

Mind your language

“I’VE been reading a thesaurus whenever I get a chance,” says reader Scott Crowley. “My wife says it's a garbage of time.”

Stupidity cubed

WE continue collecting words for our updated dictionary. David Donaldson suggests: OXOMORON (n). Someone who panic buys OXO cubes.

The Two Commandments

OUR readers have probably heard of the Ten Commandments, those mighty proclamations detailing the ethical rules by which humanity should conduct its affairs.

It seems that in Falkirk there are only two commandments that matter, as is made clear by a tweet from the town council. With little fanfare or preamble it states: “Two things. 1) Don’t climb the Kelpies. 2) The Mask goes over your nose.”

Feeling crushed

READER Matt Hogarth spent a rather dull morning crushing Coke cans to put in his bin. “It was soda pressing,” he sighs.