Cutler cut-out

SINGER KT Tunstall’s Sky documentary this week about the late Glasgow poet, singer and all round eccentric, Ivor Cutler, reminds the Diary of the young journalist who once interviewed Cutler by telephone. Cutler was particularly revealing on the occasion, talking for an hour about his history, hopes and dreams. The journalist was thrilled to have bagged such a scoop and hoped it would make his name. Alas, it transpired he’d forgotten to switch on his tape machine. Ivor’s words were lost to the ether.

And what became of this foolish hack?

Rumour has it he now edits the Herald Diary…

Divided opinions

OUR footballing correspondent Eddy Cavin is analysing those clunky cliches that invariably trip off sporting commentators’ tongues in the run-up to an Old Firm match.

Today he suggests: “Glasgow, a city divided.”

Which is true, concedes Eddy. Though he adds that the divide is between those who care about footy. (A tiny minority.) And those who don’t. (Everyone else, who would rather watch Netflix or go shopping).

Bumpy beginnings

WITH the hospitality industry severely hampered, we’ve been wondering if "man walks into bar" jokes are still fit for purpose. Perhaps they’ve evolved into some exotic and unlikely fantasy, like the Narnia books. Or Donald Trump becoming President. (Oops. We keep forgetting that actually happened.)

Always happy to spearhead an important political campaign, the Diary is now the proud organiser of EEJIT (Ensure Entertaining Japery Isn’t Terminated).

Our battle to prevent bar-based badinage being blighted commences with the following gag from Gordon Campbell from Crieff.

“A man walks into a bar… ouch.”

Tartan tiers

A DIARY discussion about Boris Johnson’s three-tier lockdown system has reader John Dunlop wondering what a Scottish version would be. He suggests: “Jings, crivvens and help ma boab.”

Hugo cart

OUR story about a camper van dubbed Puff the Tragic Wagon reminds reader John Currie of a bloke he knew who visited Notre-Dame in Paris. This chap swore that near the great cathedral he spotted a dumped Renault 5.

And written on the dust of its windscreen… Hatchback of Notre-Dame.

Dignified? Doubtful

WE continue collecting words for our updated dictionary. Doug Maughan suggests: Testiculate, (v). To talk bollo…

Apologies. That last bit should read: To talk nonsense.

(For a brief moments we forgot the Diary’s noble remit to always be profound, dignified and venerable. We’ll leave the crudity to those roguish tabloids.)


GOOFY gag time. “What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?” asks Walter Milton. “Hailing taxis.”

Read more: How to talk to your cat