Lost in translation

WAITING for a flight in Glasgow Airport’s frequent flyer Lomond Lounge, reader Alan Mitchell noticed a young Russian lady at the next table who spoke impeccable English, straight out of the Oxford Dictionary.

A member of staff duly asked what she wanted to eat. On enquiring whether there were any pescatarian sandwiches on offer, but without mayonnaise, she was met with a reply that perhaps expanded her understanding of the venerable English language.

“Naw,” said the member of staff, “the best we kin dae is cheese on white breid.”

Classical music

ALAS, Bob Jamieson believes he may have arrived at that ominous age when a chap is forced to dispense with his AirPods and replace them with a hearing aid.

Our reader’s National Trust magazine had arrived and his wife mentioned it included a pull-out section the granddaughters might enjoy about The Nolans.

Bob was baffled. Did this mean the 1970s girl band were now a protected heritage sight, along with Edinburgh Castle and the Neolithic monuments of Orkney?

More to the point, why would his granddaughters be interested in pop stars of such a classical vintage?

Bob made such queries, leading his wife to clarify the situation.

“The Normans,” she said.

Plane failing

A DIARY piece regarding poetic descriptions of rain reminds Peter Sommerville from Greenock of the tale about a plane transporting Japanese car spares that was losing altitude. The cargo was jettisoned, leading a man on the ground to remark: “Look, it’s raining Datsun cogs.”

(Our reader concedes that this gag should probably be updated to describe Nissan cogs, though this doesn’t work quite so well.)

Cold comfort

A FRIEND of Brian Wadham was in a shop that sold, among other things, Slushie ice-drinks.

An elderly gent wandered in, spotted the Slushie machine, squirted a dollop on his hands, rubbed it in carefully, then carried on with his business, safely sanitised.

Firmly foolish

IN the run up to this weekend’s Old Firm game, reader Eddy Cavin continues highlighting cliches associated with the fixture, suggesting: “The form-book goes out the window. It’s the team that wants it most that wins.”

(Having discussed this matter with genuine football scholars, we’ve come to the conclusion that it’s invariably the team that scores most goals that wins.)

Aquatic activity

LISTENING to Nicola Sturgeon discussing the Alex Salmond inquiry on TV, reader John Richmond from Lochwinnoch admits: “It all sounds a bit fishy to me.”

Screen time

“WHAT is currently the most expensive video streaming service?” asks reader Laura Chamberlain.


Read more: Those were the days