Clash of titans

ANOTHER Old Firm derby is upon us. A fixture often judged to be the mightiest grudge match in the history of the world. More dramatic than Batman versus the Joker; more finely balanced than a jousting tournament involving a barber’s comb and Boris Johnson’s hair.

Even so, the Diary vehemently disputes the pre-eminence of the Celtic/Rangers scrapathon. For we have recorded many titanic battles over the years that are equally impressive, as the following classic tales from our archives prove.

For instance, we recall the lady shopper who dared antagonise an entire commercial thoroughfare in Glasgow when she admitted that she liked to go "bruising" along Sauchiehall Street.

Family faux pas

THEN there’s the skirmish between pupil and teacher. A reader once told us his history master at Edinburgh Academy was fond of asking pupils to write short notes on well-known historical characters. One day he posed the question: “Who was Pericles?”

In an inspired moment our reader answered that he was a brother of Testicles.

“The ensuing tawsing ensured that I have never had an inspired moment since,” sighed our reader.

The romance game

A STORY that proves that even our friends can sometimes be our mortal enemies. There was a student at Glasgow University who was mortified to discover that his mates only called him the Love Machine because of his fabled lack of prowess at tennis.

Being neighbourly

A READER was once on a bus when he overheard a young chap tell his pal: “My next-door neighbour banged on my door at two in the morning claiming he couldn’t sleep. I told him he was in luck as I was having a party and he should just come in.”

Park and ride

EXERCISE enthusiasts battle to buff up their bodies, though it doesn’t always end well. A reader, who used to work in Havant in the 1970s, told us of his colleague who always went for a refreshing run of a morning. This chap once jogged into the notorious Leigh Park estate, where he was lifted by the police. They drove him back to the station for confirmation of ID.

Their explanation was that if they saw someone running at that time of the morning, in that area, they lifted them and waited for the crime to be discovered.

Making the cut

PERHAPS the most dispiriting tussle is between a man and a small, white dimpled ball. We recall the story about the golfer who asked the club pro for advice.

The pro asked him to hit a few balls before commenting. He then told him the best advice he could give him was to cut a foot off his clubs.

“Will that help my game?” asked the player.

“No,” said the pro. “But they’ll go in the bin easier.”

Pressure event

HOME improvements invariably involve a skirmish with a dastardly foe, that you never can win. “I’ve just been to the doc’s and diagnosed with low blood pressure,” said a chap in the pub. “So I told him I’d recently bought a self-assembly wardrobe from Ikea. That should fix it.”

Read more: Those were the days