THE Diary provides a tranquil oasis for readers exhausted by the ways of the world. We steer clear of the hurly-burly, avoid the argy-bargy. Yet occasionally even we must raise a clenched fist and shake it defiantly against a particularly heinous injustice. Such a time has arrived.

Flicking through a Christmas catalogue posted by a Leeds-based company, Elaine Barton was appalled to discover they were claiming one of Scotland’s famous dishes as their own, stating the clootie dumpling derives its name from an old English word for cloth.

“Naw, it disnae!” roared our reader, sounding like Mel Gibson slathered in blue face-paint.

The Diary is now planning a Border raid of our own. We hereby claim the Yorkshire Pudding for Scotland. Or the Jocky Pud’, as it is henceforth known.

Weird science

OUR nation is rightly celebrated for scientific genius. Russell Smith says this aptitude was in precocious abundance when he was at secondary school. He recalls a science lesson where a teacher posed the question: “Why are there holes in a brazier?”

A knowledgeable scholar replied: “So that ladies don’t sweat too much.”

Dress to impress

HALLOWE'EN fast approaches and reader Kate Fowler has the perfect costume for Boris Johnson.

“He could disguise himself to look like a Prime Minister,” she says. “Or is that too far-fetched?”

Foodie fracas

WE’RE celebrating those classic bar jokes that were once an integral part of our culture (Much like bars, themselves). Reader Graham Watt contributes the following:

A man enters a Glasgow bar, orders a pint and asks for a packet of crisps.

“What do you think this is?” fumes the scandalised barman, “a restaurant?”

Flight of fancy

IN a nightclub once, reader Ed Croft overheard the following conversation between two eligible bachelors.

Bachelor 1: Let’s fire intae they burds ower there. You can be ma wingman.

Bachelor 2: If I’m the wing, wit does that make you? Tweetie Pie?

Posh nosh

A WHILE ago Susan Fenn opted for a swanky dining experience by visiting a cafe situated in a nearby Morrisons supermarket.

Waiting for her fish and chips to arrive, our reader overheard an elderly lady at a nearby table, who was equally impressed by the glamorous setting.

Smiling regally, the lady remarked to her friend: “Don’t you get a lovely view of the car park from here?”

Sad tune

THOUGHT for the day from reader Brian Sharples: “Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a day. Teach him to play an instrument and he’ll be poor for life.”