White and wrong

THE Diary isn’t a pulpit for fire and brimstone sermons. We leave the moralising to internationally recognised religious leaders and Gary Lineker’s Twitter account. Occasionally we do feel it necessary to take an ethical stance.

For instance, we were disgusted when a famous rock star recently behaved inappropriately towards a fellow musician. Jack White, who is most famous as the former singer with The White Stripes, discovered a pedestrian had smashed an Edinburgh busker’s guitar. White took it upon himself to provide a new guitar for the busker. Outrageous!

Doesn’t White realise a smashed guitar is a glorious thing in the rock world? More aesthetically pleasing than the intact variety, as any fan of The Who or Jimi Hendrix would agree?

The Diary also delights in destructive behaviour, as these cataclysmic tales from our archives prove, such as the reader who once explained he was jumped on by a "Karachi expert".

Double trouble

ONE of our readers once recalled being in a misbehaving primary seven class in the 1960s whose teacher declared they were all going to be belted. As he didn’t want to spend the time belting them all, he brought them forward in pairs and got them to belt each other.

“I can’t begin to imagine the furore should such a thing happen these days,” concluded our reader.

Bus(t) up

A SCOTTISH football vignette. A reader heard a footy fan discussing his trip to an away game in the SPL, and how he managed to cadge a lift back on a supporter’s bus.

“So they had a spare seat?” asked his pal.

“Aye,” the chap replied. “It was full originally, but fortunately someone got lifted.”

Dressing down

BEWARE of feisty females of the more senior variety. A young lady at a work night out in the West End cattily told an older colleague: “You need to be younger to dance to that song.”

The more mature lady came back with the rejoinder: “And you need to be prettier to wear a dress like that.”

Boxing (not) clever

“I BOUGHT a self-help CD entitled How to Handle Disappointment,” a chap in a pub was overheard to remark. “When I got home and opened it, I found the box was empty.”

Slipping up

AN employee arrived an hour late for work, one winter’s morning, and explained to his boss that it was so slippery outside that for every step forward he took, he slipped back another two.

“Is that so?” replied his suspicious boss. “Then how did you ever get here?”

“I gave up and started for home,” replied the tardy worker.

Delaying tactics

SOME relationships are very much of the destructive kind. A reader was in a Lanarkshire pub when he overheard a chap further up the bar impatiently answer his mobile phone: “I told you I’d be there in five minutes. Stop calling me every ten minutes to check.”

Food for thought

OVERHEARD in a swanky Glasgow restaurant: A maître d’ asked a couple if they had reservations. The chap replied: “Yes, but we’re hungry so we’ll eat here anyway.”

Read more: Those were the days