Table manners

OUR tale explaining why only the naïve order sparkling water in Coatbridge reminds David Miller from Milngavie of the time he was taken to lunch by a client from Larkhall who possessed a season ticket for a football club based near the Copland Road.

On being asked what he would like to drink, our reader surveyed the draught beers on offer and asked for a pint of Caffrey’s.

"Not Caffrey’s," said the client, politely but firmly.

Thus did our reader learn a valuable lesson in etiquette, as practised amongst certain members of the sophisticated Glasgow dining cognoscente.

Sozzled at sea

WE continue with the subject of liquid refreshment. While in the merchant navy, reader Malcolm Boyd served with a chief engineer whose favourite tipple was gin and tonic. One night Malcolm asked him if he didn’t also enjoy whisky. The chief engineer replied that, indeed, he did.

Though being a medically minded fellow, he had concluded that whisky destroys the liver while gin wrecks the kidneys… and he had two of those.

Footering about

IT’S been a trying year for many people. Though few can have faced the struggles endured so manfully by River City and Scot Squad actor Jordan Young, who says: “I’ve just noticed one of my socks has been inside out all day. 2020 really truly is mental.”

Colourful comment

ANTHROPOLOGICALLY minded David Donaldson has of late been studying the female of the species. He observes that many women upon reaching their forties start dying their hair a dull red, and wonders if this could be described as the onset of the hennapause.

Dressing down

For the sake of editorial balance the Diary feels duty bound to include an addendum to the above article by arguing that it is also true that gents of a certain age act in a mysterious manner relating to the area above the hairline. For instance, we have yet to hear a satisfying explanation why politician George Galloway regularly wears a hat indoors, even in hot and stuffy TV studios.

We can only surmise it is worn as a defence against marauding gangs of rogue hairdressers, who are liable to slather a chap’s scalp with styling mousse before he can beg for mercy.

Thrill (hide and) seeker

ANOTHER entry in our updated version of the dictionary: Gordon Casely suggests: Actuary (n). A chap who can’t stand the excitement of accountancy.

Read more: Those were the days