Hell’s bells

TALK has begun about how Christmas will be celebrated this year. Legendary folk singer Jimmie Macgregor explains the situation below. (P.S. The following should be sung, accompanied by an acoustic guitar. If you don’t have an acoustic on you, an electric will do.)

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Noo we have tae listen tae whit Nicky has tae say.

Christmas should be wance a year, but this year no ata'

And as fur Christmas pressies, you're gonny get hee-haw.

Doon the local boozer, nae matter whit you ask,

They'll serve you only Carex if you sook it through a mask.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, mighty whit a fuss!

Ye cannae touch your Granny fur tae shove her aff a bus.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, on a Christmas Day,

Remember you've tae listen tae whit Nicky has tae say.

Festively frank

AND while we’re on the subject… Scotland’s National Clinical Director Professor Jason Leitch advises the public to get ready for a digital Christmas. Brian Johnston from Torrance knows several families already preparing for this eventuality by practising waving their middle digits in Leitch’s direction.

Questionable question

A WHILE ago Gilbert MacKay from Newton Mearns lectured a community group in Peterhead about a research project. Upon finishing, he asked for questions. A brief pause ensued before the only query of the night was submitted. "D' ye ken you look like Michael Crawford?" said one observant chap.

Westminster circus

DIARY correspondents continue struggling with Herald crosswords, which are a form of cruel and unusual punishment worthy of Torquemada.

Doug Maughan believed he’d solved a recent cryptic clue: ‘He’s a buffoon, and mean at heart (5)’.

“It must be Boris,” trilled our reader.

Alas, it turned out to be ‘clown’. Though Doug consoles himself by arguing that he got frighteningly close to the correct answer.

No spark left

IN a pub some years back, reader Charles Chatfield noticed a young chap gazing sullenly into his pint. The maudlin youth then mumbled to a friend: “I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.”

Pork and ride

FIFE based comedian Richard Pulsford claims he’s writing a sitcom about three hard-up accident-prone farmers who use their all-terrain vehicle to sell their remaining pigs. The sitcom’s name?

Last of the Hummer Swine.

Draughty dafty

READER John Curran’s landlord texted to say he needed to discuss John’s excessively high heating bills. “Sure,” replied our chap. “My door’s always open.”