Shop strop

CHRISTMAS is coming, the goose is in lockdown. Though at least the festive spirit has awoken in Glasgow’s Argyle Street, where reader Adrian Williams spotted a burly male shoplifter ambling out of a store, quickly followed by a petite female security guard.

Unfortunately for the security guard, she managed to corner her pray.

At which point she shouted in his face: “Stop!”

“Naw,” said the shoplifter.

“Please?” said the security guard.

The shoplifter looked down upon his nemesis sympathetically.

“Aw, bless,” he said in conciliatory fashion.

Though, alas, the bounder still refused to comply, and sauntered on his way.

Acting up

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of Largs-born John Sessions, a multifaceted comic performer. Though perhaps his greatest claim to fame was popularising the word "luvvie", which he introduced to the editor of Private Eye Magazine, who then shared it with his readers.

Before he did so, the only way it was possible to describe thespians was as those annoying folk who prance around on stage, then tell everyone how to vote in a General Election.

Top Trump

WE continue imagining what modern-day atrocities would have led to Guy Fawkes being consigned to the flames if he had lived in our own mild and moderate era.

Tom Gale suggests it would be instant execution (no trial required; quick march to the hung, drawn and quartered bit) for naughty Guy if he even mumbled the words: “You know that Trump chap, is he really such a bad fella?”

Fireworks fizzled

BONFIRE Night is indeed upon us. Reader Paul Brown has figured out how he’ll enjoy the occasion with his kids in these socially distanced times. “As there’s no roaring community bonfire we’ll crack open some sparklers and huddle round a central heating radiator in the house,” he sighs.

So-so superstar

MORE Sean Connery memories. Actor Mike Myers once spoke at a Hollywood event celebrating Sean’s distinguished career and said: “Of all the iconic Scottish superstar actors of the last50 years, Sean Connery is definitely in the top five.”

Sean saw the funny side… which was lucky for Mike.

Outlandish behaviour

SAM Heughan and Graham McTavish, the stars of TV drama Outlander, have released a Scottish travel book together called Clanlands, which they describe as: “The story of two men who know nothing.”

Coincidentally that’s also an apt description of the Presidential election…

Crafty counselling

EXPLAINING why he’s done well in life, wily reader Maurice Bruce says: “I learn from the mistakes of others… who took my advice.”

Read more: Those were the days