Queue vadis

A DIARY article about the haughty hubris of celebrity folk reminds former Labour MP Jim McGovern of visiting a certain Dundee nightclub in the 1980s, when a well known Dundee United player swaggered to the front of the line, accompanied by the obligatory burd. (The footballer’s label for his companion, not ours.)

The burly chap guarding the door muttered: “Back of the queue, mate.”

Upon hearing such insulting language, the footy fella roared: “Do you know who I am?”

The bouncer responded by shouting to the other people patiently waiting to enter the club: “Any shrinks in the queue? There’s a guy here disnae know who he is.”

Xmas Xtinguished?

NICOLA Sturgeon claims Christmas will be saved as Santa is a key worker, though Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie has gloomier predictions.

He foresees no Nativity this year as the three wise men face a travel ban and the shepherds are furloughed.

Meanwhile, the inn is shut under tier three regulations, leading to a slump in bookings.

And Santa will be taking the bus, for fear of breaking the rule of six with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donder, Blitzen, Comet and Cupid.

And Rudolph with his red nose? He really should be isolating and getting tested.

Biden his time

VOTE counting in the U.S. election proved an interminable affair, noted Edinburgh comedian Liam Withnail: “Biden is winning the election at the same rate it’d take him to climb two flights of stairs.”

Courtly behaviour

MEANWHILE fellow Scottish comic Leo Kearse is feeling enthusiastic about America’s blissfully harmonious future. “There's nothing like a bitter, protracted court battle over electoral results to heal a divided country,” he says.

Crazy talk

WAITING to be served in a Chinese restaurant in Glasgow city centre, Linda Short was intrigued by an elderly lady at the next table, who placidly tucked into her fried rice, then said to a friend: “That’s the thing about psychopaths, dear. They do tend to be in an awfully bad mood.”

No great Shakes’?

IN Shakespearean times everyone seemed to speak in rhyming couplets, no matter if they were wooing, warring or waffling in the pub.

Reader Foster Evans notes that Scottish Canals are attempting to bring back this tradition on Twitter, where they warn people not to climb the Kelpies in the following fashion: “Our handsome boys they’re no’ fur climbin’, We’ll tell ye again, but ye shouldn’y need remindin’.”

Shivery South America

WELL travelled reader Sam Fowler tells us Argentina has a surprisingly cold climate. “It’s bordering on Chile,” he explains.