Levelling up

WHEN she isn’t energetically wagging her finger at her adoring/fearful subjects, Nicola Sturgeon is an inscrutable figure. We often think of her like Good Queen Bess of England, a monarch who reigned as much through symbolism as decree.

All of which is a long-winded way of saying that the Diary likes to nosey into Nic’s reading habits, hoping they’ll provide clues to what she’s planning for the population.

And we hear, rather ominously, that she’s been enjoying crime writer Val McDermid’s new volume Christmas is Murder.

Does this mean a murderous festive season is to be thrust upon us? We quail at the possibility of a new lockdown system, with levels numbered from 0 to 250…

Bleak brekkie

WITH spoon-bender supreme, Uri Geller, claiming that he used his mystical powers to help our struggling football team triumph against Serbia, we’ve been wondering if the great man would be willing to help the worthy citizens of Alba with our other pressing problems.

Roger Quinn from Edinburgh suggests Geller should use his reality-warping abilities to make the traditional Scottish breakfast more palatable by injecting some pizzaz into porridge.

“If Uri glares hard enough at a box of oats, they’ll probably come out of the packet looking like Coco Pops,” says our optimistic reader, who adds: “At present porridge is more like a dreich day in Dunoon plonked into a bowl. Though it does come in handy when you want to grout the bathroom.”

Grass is greener

WITH hopeful news about a coronavirus vaccine, the Diary is celebrating by recalling those upbeat and life-affirming phrases we cheerful Scots often use. (Dour? Us lot? Och, maybe a wee bit…)

Sandy Wright from Millport had a friend who, when asked how he was keeping, would reply: "Fine, son. I'm still on the right side of the turf."

Progressive procrastination

AMBITIOUS reader Adam Watts says: “I’ve set myself a five-year plan to become more spontaneous.”

Spoilt for choice

STILL Game’s Greg Hemphill is swithering over what he wants for Crimbo. “Should I get a Moderna or a Pfizer this Christmas?” he asks.

(Being an old fashioned sort, the Diary will be sticking with a tangerine in a sock at the end of the bed.)

Food for thought

WE’RE not sure we believe reader Robin Gilmour, who assures us ‘vegetarian’ is an ancient Indian word that means ‘bad hunter’.

The lucre of love

A ROMANTIC tale from Glasgow Uni student Phil Hamilton, who says: “Me and my girlfriend have a textbook relationship. It’s way too expensive.”