Pray for today

WITH the Christmas season not entirely cancelled (yet) reader John Mulholland has decided to update those spirited jingles sung at this time of year.

For starters, he’ll be belting out that classic hymn: God Test Ye Merry Gentlemen.

Fishy goings on

CONTINUING with the Christmas theme, Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie notes that the First Minister has promised a brief relaxation in lockdown rules for a few festive days.

“Can I suggest it should be no more than three days,” says Malcolm, who adds: “It’s a well known fact that both visitors and fish go off after that amount of time.”

The Diary is loath to disagree with an esteemed reader, though we find that if you store them in a freezer, they last much longer than three days.

(Fish, that is. Visitors are usually too large to fit inside your average family freezer.)

Trump trampled

WITH Trump finally conceding the Presidential election, Lisa Johnson from Paisley wonders what Donald’s most fervent fans will now do with their red MAGA hats, where the letters, of course, stand for Make America Great Again.

Our reader suggests the hats should be bought in bulk by Biden supporters, with MAGA now meaning: Mendacious Angry Git Axed.

Sock it to ‘em

OKAY, that’s the hats sorted. But what’s to become of poor, unemployed Donald T? A man of his immense talents and lofty virtues should be encouraged to continue bringing light to the world.

Pete McCredie has the perfect role to fully utilise Trump’s slick communication skills and sophisticated demeanour.

“He’d be a big hit punting sports socks down the Barras,” says our reader.

Footy, then freedom

THERE’S presently talk of another independence referendum. (When isn’t there such talk? It’s the topic that’s forever topical.)

Getting in the spirit of things, reader Willie Ferguson says if such a vote resulted in deadlock, Scotland should demand the result be decided on penalties. He adds that, on current form, proud Alba is bound to be victorious.

Though only if Scotland is seeking independence from Serbia, the Diary feels duty bound to point out.

Birthday blues

WE continue listing those upbeat phrases that give Scotland its reputation as the most effervescent of nations. Reader David Donaldson notes that in The Wee Book of Calvin by Bill Duncan, the correct response to being cheerily wished a happy birthday is: "Aye. Wan year mair... an' wan year less."

Word jumble

THE twelve-year-old son of Ben Griffiths from Newton Mearns has asked for an ‘acrostic’ guitar for Christmas.

“It’s a puzzling request,” admits Ben.