Tall order

MONTY Python and Fawlty Towers star John Cleese is enjoying a bit of argy-bargy on social media, where he’s been antagonising a gang of social justice warriors. His first unpardonable sin was defending JK. Rowling, who is hated by the Woke tribe because of her stand on trans issues.

Refusing to back down, Cleese continued nettling his detractors with a stream of flippant comments.

At one point he revealed his empathetic side. “I do sympathy and support all the time, for most of the Third World,” he explained. “Except for Glasgow, of course.”

So Cleese has now made enemies of the Woke and the Weegies.

The tall fella’s got one heck of a fight on his hands.

Food for thought

THE waiter who once served reader Matt Morgan and his children in an Italian restaurant wrote down the orders, then left the table saying: “No problemo.”

This confused Matt’s seven-year-old son.

“What’s a problemo?” he enquired. “And why’s it not on the menu?”

Café culture confidential

THE SNP’s Westminster leader, Ian Blackford, recently apologised for falsely accusing a photographer of breaking lockdown rules.

This hasn’t dissuaded the Diary’s crack squad of sneaky secret agents from investigating similar allegations. Our team was suitably scandalised to discover that Glasgow rocker Amy Macdonald has been enjoying the taboo pleasures of a local café. Though we’ve now been forced to backtrack in bumbling Blackfordian fashion.

It transpires that Amy was shooting a music video in the café. Social distance rules were followed. And no steaming hot brews were sipped, with cups only used as props.

Which is just as well.

“I hate tea and coffee,” admits Amy.

Gritty tale

A TRUE fact for our slippery times. Scotland’s gritters all have their own names, which are painted on the side of vehicles. Latest to join the fleet? Yes Sir, Ice Can Boogie.


WITH school prelims fast approaching, reader Jenny Miller recalls the time her son got 79% in a maths exam. An excellent result, and not far off the 80% he achieved in the previous test.

Though the boy’s father wasn’t thrilled.

“You got 80% the last time, now it’s 79%?” he sighed. “At this rate you’ll only need 78 more exams until you hit zero.”

Toil free tune

WE continue updating Christmas songs to suit the times. John Mulholland suggests Fairytale of No Work.

Thumping good idea

STRUGGLING to pick the ideal Christmas gift for a loved one? Reader Martin Rose suggests a broken drum’s the very thing. “It’s an unbeatable present,” he says.