Beastly behaviour

THE world has become a playground for the pals of David Attenborough, with wild otters spotted strolling in Edinburgh city centre. (Exactly how wild an Edinburgh otter can be is debatable, of course. A Morningside otter would be positively civilised.)

Gangs of foxes are also making inroads into Glasgow, loitering in George Square like a gaggle of Goths enjoying a mass grump.

Reader Ian Fenn isn’t particularly outraged by this impish imposition on human territory.

“As long as they don’t start attending the theatre, making small talk in restaurants, watching live football matches and hugging elderly relatives,” he adds.

Taste test

A RECENT Diary story about a lollipop lady reminds Megan Harradine from Crossmyloof of the elderly chap who used to help her and her school friends cross busy roads many years ago.

A quirky bloke, he once muttered: “Dinnae call me a lollipop man, cos this isnae really a lollipop.”

He then took a lusty lick of his STOP sign, then added: “See? Tastes awfy.”

Festive ferocity

AS we dig deeper into December many people are opening Advent calendars. Reader Andrew Randall has decided to make his own this year.

“When you open the first little door it will reveal a policeman in a face mask, with a speech bubble next to him saying: ‘Oi! Back inside… now. And keep that door shut!’”

Which doesn’t sound particularly festive. Though Andrew adds that the policeman will have tinsel wrapped round his truncheon.

Getting gritty

WE recently revealed Scotland’s gritters have their own idiosyncratic names painted on the sides of vehicles. Several readers have asked to learn more of these madcap monikers. We gladly oblige by revealing one truck is called… Licence to Chill.

Barking mad idea

BUSINESSWOMAN Michelle Mone married billionaire Doug Barrowman on the Isle of Man this week. The lavish celebration included oysters, roast beef and dogs wearing tuxedos.

“Michelle remains a humble Glasgow girl at heart,” says reader Alexander Blackwood approvingly. “If she’d really wanted to be outrageously excessive, the dogs would have been wearing monocles while quoting sparkling bon mots from the pages of Noel Coward.”

Silent night

MORE Christmas song lyrics to suit modern sensibilities. Christine Brooks suggests: “Have yourself a peaceful little Christmas, let your hearts be light, cos this year your in-laws will be out of sight.”

Soldier boy

WE’RE not entirely sure we believe history buff Bill Henwick, who tells us Elvis worked in the bomb disposal squad during his military service. “It was because of his experience with suspicious mines,” adds our reader.

Read more: The suspicious annals of William McIlvanney