Digging for delights

THE Diary was outraged when we heard it claimed that production had commenced at Scotland’s first commercial gold mine near the village of Tyndrum.

“First commercial gold mine?” we snarled. “First?!”

Everyone knows the Diary has been digging up the shiny yellow stuff for years. From the mindscape of our readers we chisel anecdotes and silly stories of the purest gold. These nuggets are then buffed and burnished to perfection before being placed in that ornate display cabinet otherwise known as The Herald newspaper.

Furthermore, the golden giggles we unearth continue to increase in value with the passing years, as these nifty nuggets from our vaults prove.

For instance, we recall the female reader who told us her boyfriend had somehow caught “fluorosis of the liver”.

Sleep on it

A RUGBY fan from Helensburgh once arrived in Edinburgh’s Waverley Station to watch a game at Murrayfield and noticed the taxi queue was a mile long. As his pal had been ill and couldn’t manage the long walk to the stadium, our chap decided they should catch a train to Haymarket instead. A journey so short it’s rarely undertaken.

The ticket clerk was unimpressed with the gents’ travel plans, as he indicated by an audible tut and a rolling of the eyes.

As he handed over two single tickets to Haymarket, he enquired: “Dae yiz want tae book a sleeper?”

Bus blues

TEENAGERS are a dynamic bunch. At least we always thought that was the case until a Stirling reader told us of the time he heard a young teen talking to her pals on the bus, and saying with great sadness: “My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend, and then doing nothing when it comes.”

Your number’s up

A TEACHER once told us of the time he pointed out to a primary pupil that 18 plus 18 in his jotter was 36, not 32.

“When did that change?” the youngster enquired.

Safety first

A READER once told us that the company he worked for had recently changed the bank it dealt with, and a meeting was held on the premises with the new bankers.

They were asked if they wanted a tour of the factory, and one of the bankers asked if it was safe.

“No, you don’t need safety glasses,” he was told.

“I meant from the workers,” the banker replied.

NY state of mind

A GLASGOW reader visiting the Big Apple witnessed the legendary New York abruptness when he heard a sales lady say to a customer: “Have a nice day,” and the retreating, irritated, shopper replied: “I’ve already made other plans.”

Shop strop

A READER once came across an old lady at the information desk in Tesco, waiting for a member of staff and staring at a sign which read: ‘Every little helps’.

“They should drop the first and last letters,” she grumbled.


“I DON’T think I’ll win the lottery,” sighed a chap in the pub. “There were two pens on the lottery stand at the newsagent, and I couldn’t even pick the one that worked.”