Sofa so good

THE Herald recently reported that £50 billion of UK currency is missing, which the Bank of England has been unable to trace. John Murphy from Cumbernauld has given the matter some serious thought: “Has the Bank of England tried rummaging down the back of their sofa?” he enquires. “I’m always finding interesting stuff down the back of mine. Last week alone I discovered a rusty fork, a five pence piece and a Christmas Radio Times from 1977. The Radio Times was particularly valuable as it lists the exact same programmes and films that are being broadcast this year.”

Bird-brained boss

A FEW years ago reader Jemima Millard got a job in an office. It seemed that her boss was very impressed with her work, as only a couple of weeks after she joined the firm he said to her: “A large number of new recruits started at the same time as you. But you’re the only one whose name I always remember.”

As Jemima was about to give herself a metaphorical pat on the back, he added: “I just think to myself, Puddle-Duck.”

Wheel of fortune

WE continue reminiscing about the late, great golf commentator Peter Alliss. Jimmy Nimmo from Ayr recalls Alliss broadcasting from the Scottish Open at Gleneagles. A pause in play allowed the camera to pan over the course, showing the local scenery. “And there’s the pro’s shop,” lilted Alliss. “And near it, the old watermill wheel, ceaselessly turning… working the till.”

Testing times

HIGH School pupils are currently scratching their heads, scratching their chins, and perhaps even other parts of their anatomies, as they puzzle over prelim papers.

Reader Mary Fleming’s son came home after one exam, disconsolate. The sad lad sighed, then muttered to mum: “Once Rudy Giuliani’s finished helping Donald Trump, do you think he’ll be available to overturn my results?”

Boxing (not) clever

ONCE more the Diary takes it upon itself to update the English dictionary with fresh words. Sandy Tuckerman suggests: Amazonesia (Noun): The disorientating inability to recall what is in the package that just arrived, even though you ordered it yourself yesterday.

Cash crises

A FRUSTRATED Jim Hamilton gets in touch to demand that banks do a better job of keeping their ATMs replenished. “I’ve gone to five in one day,” he grumps, “and every one of them said insufficient funds.”

Mindful and mindless

THE battle of the sexes continues. Reader Jenny Coulter says: “Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.”

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