Santa sanitised

THE Diary has been whistling along to a seasonal pop video featuring Blythe Duff. The former Taggart star duets with Fife singer Cameron Barnes on a version of Pogues song Fairytale of New York.

Profits from the release will help freelance performers and their families affected by the pandemic. Which is a lovely idea.

Though we were rather surprised by the choice of song. Fairytale is famously about a down on their luck, booze-addled couple, screaming expletives in a police holding cell during Christmas.

In the Blythe version it’s reinterpreted as a mother and son cosily crooning to one another.

And all the naughty words have vanished.

What next, we wonder. A Christmas version of Serge Gainsbourg’s Je t’aime, sung by Santa and Rudolph?

Bus-ted

FORMER police officer Stewart Daniels once rushed to a scene where a double decker had struck a railway bridge. Luckily no passengers were onboard at the time.

Having sealed off the road, the boys in blue returned to speak to the driver.

The poor chap, in a state of shock, was staring at the side of his trashed vehicle, which displayed an advert that seemed to be advising him what to do next.

‘It’s Never Too Early To Call Your Solicitor,’ read the sign.

Picky lady

ANOTHER memorable description of the thinner sort of chap. This one supplied by reader Barry Jones, who is himself a rather slight figure. In his youth Barry attempted to chat up a young lady at a local dance.

It did not go well.

“The oany way you’re gettin’ anywhere near ma lips is if I use you as a toothpick,” scoffed the young lady.

Tab hunter

OVERHEAD in a pub, a while back, by reader Tom McEwan.

Bloke (to his friend): Got a ciggie?

Friend: Afraid I’ve only got one left.

Bloke: That’s fine, then. Cos I only want one.

Rabbiting on

DECIDING to impress a first date by taking her to a classical music concert, reader Nicholas Downs first enquired if the lady had ever experienced such a swanky occasion. “I once saw a Bugs Bunny cartoon where he conducted an orchestra,” she proudly revealed.

Clocking off

RECALLING his schooldays, reader Gareth Hudson assures us that his chums voted him the most likely to travel back in time. “I was in the class of 2047,” he adds.

Sew sew song

MUSICAL thought for the day from reader Mark Pearce: “If I sang a song about a sewing machine, would that make me a Singer songwriter?”