What a card

USING an ATM machine a while ago, Shelly Butler from Crossmyloof was distressed when only a sliver of her bank card returned from the hole in the wall when her transaction was complete.

She tried yanking the rest of the card free with her nails, but couldn’t get a proper hold.

The chap behind her in the ATM queue helpfully said: “Bend doon an’ grab a hud o’ it wi’ yer teeth, hen.”

Our reader declined to do so.

“That must have been the most valuable financial advice anyone’s received since Bernie Madoff was jailed,” says Shelly.

Deadly promise

A FEW years ago the wife of reader Stan Cooper went for drinks with a female chum. Before she knew it, Stan’s wife was telling her friend her most intimate concerns, which her friend promised never to reveal.

And, indeed, the friend never told anyone… until the next day, when she phoned a bunch of pals and leaked the goss.

Eventually Stan’s wife discovered what had happened, which was when she said to Stan with bitter regret: “The next time I open up to anybody, it’ll be my post-mortem.”

Loada ladies

THE wife of reader David Donaldson has complained all year that too much information in the media about Covid-19 is distorted by a lack of meaningful context.

So when David sent her an anniversary card that said "You are one in a million" he thought it would be a good idea to add a note explaining that, at current world population levels, there were only another 3,999 women like her.

And was that a good idea?

“It wasn’t,” sighs David, thus providing meaningful context for his own story.

Out on a limb

THINKING about footballing greats of yesteryear, Robin Gilmour from Milngavie recalls a tall tale he heard about rugged Rangers ace John Greig.

Greig arrived home and shouted to his wife in the kitchen: “I’ve got a broken leg, dear.”

His wife shouted back: “Whose is it?”

Diving’s doubtful

OUR readers continue vowing to change their wicked ways with New Year resolutions. Margaret Forbes is resolved to join friends wild swimming, and even bought a wet suit for the occasion.

“Although since I can't swim, in my case it will be wild paddling,” adds Margaret.

Warped words (cont.)

MORE madcap malapropisms from reader Gordon Wright, who recalls a chap at work saying of someone: “His election address was full of inconstituencies.”

Collector’s cash crash

SPENDTHRIFT reader Edward Evans says: “I bought too many antiques recently. Now I’m baroque.”

Read more: The alphabet of excuses