Woodwind windup

PERUSING his Herald this week, former MP Sir Brian Donohoe stumbled across a headline that left him bewildered, as he read in bold typeface: "Lennox reveals dream of playing the flute."

“Even if he does play it, he still won’t get the manager’s job at Ibrox,” says Sir Brian.

We hate to point out that the Lennox in question is pop star Annie, not Celtic legend Bobby. Stories are always more fun minus facts.

What a card

A PLAYFUL father gets in touch to reveal that his children received a new game for Christmas. The rules dictate that each person takes a turn at placing a card on their forehead before attempting to discover what’s written there by asking the other players questions.

Our chap plucked the top card from the pack then enquired: "Am I an animal? A person? A toy?"

Each question was met with a blank look and head shake from the younger players.

The game might have lasted until next Christmas if our chap’s wife hadn’t walked in and said: "Dad, you are an instruction card."

Seasonal smoosh

WITH a gasp of astonishment, Glasgow-based actor and musician Tom Urie reveals that at the end of December a wasp has somehow appeared in his house.

Unlike Tom, the Diary isn’t surprised that 2020 turns out to be the year that summer and winter collide to become a bullyboy tag-team.

It’s almost as though Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks never left the ring…

Robustly royal

IF you’ve perchance been wondering how Prince Andrew has been coping during this difficult season, reader Norrie Johnstone has a reassuring answer: “Fine. No sweat.”

A hard stare

IN need of an eye test, Christopher Ide from East Renfrewshire visited the local optician. She told our man to look into a machine then to tell her what he saw.

He replied: “I see pubs, restaurants, theatres and cinemas closed, and people wearing masks and queueing."

"You've nothing to worry about," smiled the optician. "You’ve got 2020 vision."

Wonky words

THE Diary continues to take an unseemly amount of pleasure from promalopisms… oops, sorry… mispropilisms… no, wait. (Deep breath. Start again.) The Diary continues to take an unseemly amount of pleasure from malapropisms. Reader Margaret Thomson tells us her aunt once said of a friend in her nineties: "Despite her age, she has all her facilities.”

Birthday break

IN a belligerent mood, reader Mandy Clarke says: “I’m not adding this year to my age. I didn’t use it.”

Read more: Remember when...