Yule logged

CHRISTMAS is fast receding into the rear view mirror of that rickety and endlessly swerving vehicle that is the year 2021. Though Moyna Gardner retains many memories of the most unusual of Yuletides. In her nineties, and living in a Glasgow care home, Moyna sent the following evocative verse to her relatives instead of a card:

We’ll have our Christmas on the phone

Which does not suit this deaf old crone

So eat and drink and laugh and browse

As much as government allows

And I will sit here on the shelf

Singing carols by myself

Anything they serve I’ll guzzle

Working on my crossword puzzle

I might even quite out-booze you all

If Laithwaite’s just supply my usual.

Booze before books

WHENEVER Gordon Casely faced a major expenditure, especially on a luxury item such as (yet another) large book or (yet another) bike, his late father would grin ruefully and say: “You know, son, you could spend more on strong drink and wild women”.

Regretfully, our reader chose to ignore this wise paternal advice.

Dashing delivery

THE Diary has been providing a valuable public service by devising more efficient methods of rolling out the coronavirus vaccine. Reader Gordon Philips suggests the Government should allow Amazon delivery drivers to administer it, adding: “The entire population would be immunised by Saturday. Friday, for those with Prime.”

Class act

IN the 1980s reader David Donaldson employed a worker who told him about a friend of his who ran a small sewing unit. When things got too much for this fellow, he would simply skedaddle to Glasgow Airport for the rest of the day to sit and watch the aeroplanes.

"He was a bit of a bam,” noted David’s employee. "But if he'd been rich, he would've been eccentric."

Liquid lunch

ATTEMPTING to ease through January is like trying to snooze on a bed of nails – though Pure Radio Scotland presenter Amber Zoe had the right idea when she decided to luxuriate in a bath. Visiting her kitchen to fetch a tealight candle to add to the experience, she instead returned to the tub clutching a Toblerone.

We’re not sure whether she munched it while bathing, or lit the end for some chic chocolatey ambience.

Loopy lingo

MORE mixed messages from Paul H Costello, who explains that confusion often arises using the following phrases:

Gies peace = Shut up.

Gieus piece = I want your sandwich.

Mystic? Maybe

THOUGHT of the day from reader Tony Drummond: “If psychic phone lines are genuine, why don’t they call you?”

Read more: Remember when...