Out of place

LOOKING for something decent to watch on TV, Bob Jamieson stumbled upon a Channel 5 documentary about a train journey from Glasgow to Mallaig.

“That’ll do nicely,” he thought to himself, especially as it was narrated by respected English actor Bill Nighy.

Alas, the eager viewer became irritated when it transpired that the esteemed thespian talked about "Lock" Lomond.

He didn’t have much luck with Tyndrum, Rannoch Moor or the Trossachs either.

Let’s hope Nighy is now offered narration duties on a similarly themed Welsh programme. We look forward to his untutored tongue getting tangled up in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerchwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Adore the doors

ANOTHER telly fan is reader Gordon Wright, who recently enjoyed the Two Doors Down Christmas special, which is still available on BBC iPlayer.

Gordon said to his wife the next morning: “I've been lying in bed thinking about Doon Mackichan.”

“About time,” she replied. “The paint's in the lobby press.”

In the soup

OUR recent stories about waitresses whose customer service skills lacked a certain finesse reminds Peter Mackay from Kincraig of a lady who was serving soup at a swanky event. The choice was Scotch broth or consommé, so she toddled round the tables asking diners if they would have “thick or thin”.

Fierce footy

ACTOR and sports fan Douglas Henshall admits he doesn’t really understand American football, even though he has continued watching and somehow enjoying it since 1984.

The game’s actually rather simple. It’s just British football blended with the Battle of Stalingrad, with a few motorcycle helmets tossed on the field of combat for good measure.

Top Trump

AN East Dunbartonshire resident says recent criticisms of Donald Trump have been most unfair. Our reader argues that Mr Trump’s Teutonic background (his dad was of German stock) surely explains the seemingly foolish remarks he’s been making.

When he said the election was stolen for Biden he meant to say it was "stollen" for Biden.

A piece of cake for Joe, in other words.

What a gracious loser Donald truly is…

Cap that

WHILE playing a board game with his 10-year-old son, reader Robert Groves agreed to let the lad read out all the questions.

At one point the eager little chap declared that the next question was about “a one capon”.

Dad was momentarily bamboozled until realising he was being asked about Al Capone.

Now voyager

ADVENTUROUS David Miller from Milngavie is planning this year’s holidays. “I hope to make Iceland in February,” he says. “If that goes well, I may look at Asda in March followed by Tesco in April.”

Read more: Remember when...