They never learn

THOSE who aspire to join the teaching profession should know that in the classroom the rough must be taken with the smooth. Though usually it’s a hefty dollop of the former and a measly portion of the latter.

A retiring central belt teacher informed his class recently that, having completed more than 25 years in education, he would be calling it a day in a few months.

One of his pupils raised his hand in response to the news. "Yes, Hector?" said the teacher.

For a brief moment the possibility of an appreciative send-off seemed possible.

The pupil then spoke: "Does that mean we're going to get a proper teacher, then?"

Bless them, thought the teacher, such inquiring little minds.

Old news

RECENT research reveals the universe is 14 billion years old, give or take an hour or two. Russell Smith from Largs is surprised that in all that time Scotland has never won the World Cup. “Is time running out?” he wonders nervously.

Down, not out

WE’VE been fondly remembering the late, great Tommy Docherty, a football manager who moonlighted as a wit, a wag and a warper of words. Robert Reid recalls that while Tommy was in charge of Preston North End he was asked by a journalist to describe the team’s position as they struggled to escape relegation.

“We’re on the crest of a slump,” said Tommy.

Choices, choices

OUR readers continue to recall waiting staff they have encountered whose finesse did not impress.

Bob Byiers once visited a theatre bar where he requested two glasses of red wine, then asked if there was a choice. The barman proudly replied: “Yes. Large or small.”

Slippery scoff

A DIARY story about the vegetarian diet reminds David Donaldson of a useful tip he read for cooking kale, which he believes is particularly appropriate for Veganuary: “Always add a large dash of olive oil to your kale. It makes it so much easier to scrape off the plate.”

Do’s and don’ts

MORE mixed messages from reader Paul H Costello, who has been explaining that confusion often arises using popular local phrases. For instance…

Do wan = Go away.

Do wan = One will be enough.

Sparks won’t spread

FRUSTRATED reader Joe Knox recently waited four days for an electrician to call. “Then I got word from the company that he wouldn’t be coming as he had to self-insulate,” sighs Joe.

Read more: The wrong end is Nighy