All at sea

CHATTING to an old seafaring chum about lockdown, Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie agreed with the fellow that the situation was similar to a long voyage from Europe to Australia, where weeks were spent without touching land.

Malcolm’s chum said that following a routine was the best way forward, though he added that he was now at risk of turning his living room into the Officers’ Bar.

Loss of life

GLASGOW author Deedee Cuddihy was in the book section of Braehead Sainsbury’s when she came across a shelf for a volume titled Life is What You Make It. Or rather the shelf usually held this title, as a sign underneath the empty display case explained, the store was "temporarily out of stock".

Deedee sadly concluded that optimism must be in short supply, even in our supermarkets. Let’s hope a new batch of the precious commodity is delivered soon…

Hello sailor

OUR contributors continue to recall waiting staff they have encountered whose finesse did not impress.

At a rather posh do, the gentleman next to reader Paul Young asked the waiter if he could have a portion of spinach with his main course.

"Certainly sir," replied the waiter.

The main course arrived without the spinach, but shortly after, an elderly plump waitress appeared with a bowl of spinach. Not sure who had ordered it, she barked: "Which wan o' youse is Popeye?"

Read more: Fail: the pupil's question to a teacher on the way out

The percentage game

WE’VE been fondly recalling the memorable comments of the late, great Tommy Docherty, a football manager who was never short of a word or two on any topic. Reader Bill Calder recalls that during one TV interview violence on the terraces was the hot topic, so Tommy announced in magisterial tones: "See this hooliganism? I could half the problem by 75%".

Villainous vac

WE live in a world where trust has almost entirely been eroded, sometimes even inside the home. With this in mind, reader Jim Hamilton says: “Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.”

Woolly language

MORE mixed messages from the Diary’s resident expert in dictionary corner, Paul H Costello, who has been explaining that confusion often arises using popular local phrases. For instance…

Am sick of yoose = You’re annoying me.

Am sick of ewes = I am fed up with sheep.

Constructive query

A PHILOSOPHICAL inquiry from reader Tom Beale who asks: “Why is it called a building when it’s already built?”