Cap’ that

SMOOTH talking radio broadcaster Ken Bruce and his producer Phil McGarvey have come up with the perfect title for the next album from Scottish pop sensation Lewis Capaldi. They suggest Giving It Laldy by Lewis Capaldi. (With a possible commercial tie-in with Aldi…)

No joke

AS we recently pointed out, those who educate young minds face many travails, right up to the closing day of their working life. After a long teaching career, Al Reid felt he had performed the same song and dance act in front of thousands of pupils, so decided to retire. Word got round and a senior pupil interrupted one of his final lessons by politely enquiring what his future plans were. Al jokingly replied that he was thinking of going on the stand-up circuit.

“Well,” the pupil said thoughtfully, “you’ll need some new material, then.”

Table talk

OUR contributors continue to recall waiting staff they have encountered whose finesse was fatally flawed.

Mary Duncan was once with some colleagues at a table when the waitress, clearing up, asked her to pass “that bowl, please”.

Mary tried to help, though with her hand hovering over the table, she was forced to say: "Er, there isn't a bowl on the table."

Patiently the waitress explained: "The sauce boa'le, the sauce boa'le."

Small portions

THE Diary’s culinary correspondent David Donaldson notes that insect-derived protein has been given the go-ahead for human consumption. “How long will it be before we start seeing packets of Mincey Wincy on our supermarket shelves?” he wonders.

Doc knows best

ANOTHER memorable comment from the late Tommy Docherty, a football manager whose quips often had more quality than the players he fielded. John Ploughman recalls Tommy saying of his year as manager of Rotherham United: "I promised I would take Rotherham out of the Second Division, and I took them into the Third. The old chairman said: 'Doc, you’re a man of your word.’”

Mistaken identity

LIKE A Margot Fonteyn pirouette or Jascha Heifetz on the violin, the Diary is a dazzling work of art and effort, almost flawless in execution. Though the occasional mistake does creep in, notes eagle-eyed reader Richard Ardern, who spotted that when we recently mentioned the Welsh town of Llanfair¬pwllgwyngyll¬gogerychwyrn-drobwll¬llan¬tysilio¬gogo¬goch we erroneously spelled it Llanfair¬pwllgwyngyll¬gogerchwyrn¬drobwll¬llan¬tysilio¬gogo-goch.

A foolish oversight. We really don’t know how it slipped past us.

Time out

PERPLEXED reader Nigel Stewart phones to tell us he has lost his DVD of the movie Gone in 60 Seconds. “It was here just a minute ago,” he sighs.


Our columns are a platform for writers to express their opinions. They do not necessarily represent the views of The Herald.