Donald dumped

AFTER four years of rant and cant, bellicose and bombast, Twitter spats and twittish spite, it has finally come to pass.

Donald is no longer Top Trump.

The 45th US President has been presi-dunted from the Oval Office, and he’s mightily miffed. Though many people will be relieved to wave him off the premises, no doubt thinking that at least he didn’t have time to turn the White House into a bouncy castle.

Meanwhile, the Diary admits to feeling rather sad. In spite of everything, we had a soft spot for Trump. Here’s our favourite moments from his Presidency…


TRUMP considered stopping a tornado by nuking it. A source claimed he mused about dropping a bomb inside the eye of the storm. A foolish idea. Everyone knows there’s only one way to trounce a tornado. Attach a long drinking straw to a powerful vacuum cleaner and suck that sucker up.

Winging it

HE claimed that during America’s War of Independence US soldiers took over local airports. This was in the 18th century.

Maybe Trump was right. There weren’t any planes back then. Though perhaps Americans built airports in anticipation of the winged machines that would arrive over 100 years later. They’re a forward thinking nation.

Plane wrong

ANOTHER flighty flight fact. Trump claimed it was impossible for enemy combatants to spot a stealth aircraft, even if they stood next to it. A slight exaggeration. They’re not invisible, they just can’t be traced by radar.

(Though it’s true that the human eye can’t spot them when they hide behind an exceedingly large lamppost.)

In the drink

TRUMP has a mastery of language, once describing Puerto Rico as an Island surrounded by: “Water. Big water. Ocean water.”

It’s almost poetic. In a ‘Frankenstein’s monster writes a haiku’ sort of way.

Circular argument

SCIENCE is another Trump specialism, which is why he proclaimed with stern authority that the noise from windmills causes cancer. To prove his point he felt no compulsion to produce mere facts, but instead rotated his arm in windmill fashion while making windmill noises: “Rrrrr! Rrrrr!”

Margin call

ONE Christmas Eve the President fielded phone calls from children and said to a young girl: “Are you still a believer in Santa? Because at seven it’s marginal, right?”

Santa was so enraged he refused to comment on the matter.

Toothy truth

TRUMP once described a missile as hydrosonic. No such thing as a hydrosonic missile exists, though there is a Hyrdosonic brand of toothbrush which deals effectively with tartar, though comes up short in open warfare.