Roll and sauce

A TRIP to the shops can sometimes seem like a well-thumbed chapter of Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Reader Paul H Costello’s father once visited the local SPAR where the assistant, who had just finished bagging some very floury Aulds rolls, declared she was nipping out the back to "get de-floured quickly".

Fish Net

THE Diary, being of very high moral standing, would never be the source of idle gossip and rumour. Though we are happy to publish other people’s idle gossip and rumour. For instance, Stevie Campbell from Hamilton heard that the recent heavy rainfall has created a new loch in Scotland which the Government is considering calling Loch Down.

We imagine it would be a very dull loch. A home for bored fish who watch Netflix and take Zoom calls all day long.

Pitiful behaviour

ANOTHER tale of waiting staff whose finesse did not impress. Years ago Gordon Casely and his wife stopped for a coffee in the heart of Aberdeenshire and ordered: “Twa coffees an twa butteries.” (Explanation for the uninitiated: A buttery is fit they cry a savoury bread roll in Aiberdeen.)

The waitress returned with the coffee and butteries. She then groped around in her armpit before producing two packets of butter, very recently deep-frozen, but now thawing out nicely.

Digging a hole

IN the 1970s a chum of reader Mick Flynn was employed by an Ayrshire coalmine, though he was rather partial to a long lie-in, amongst various other lethargic practices.

One morning this chap was called into the pit manager’s office, where the boss said to him: "It has come to our attention that your poor attendance over the last year has meant you’re averaging a paltry three-day week. Can you explain the reason for this?"

He replied: "Aye, sure. Cos twae will no’ keep me."

Crime time

WE continue devising simpler phrases to replace obtuse legal jargon. Russell Smith from Largs suggests:

“The verdict is Not Proven.” = “Lucky you. You can keep the swag.”


IT’S ta-ta to Trump, with many people feeling they’ll just about survive without him. Though reader James Harris is distraught, saying: “Does this mean it’s too late for Donald to pardon Neil Lennon?”

Spot the edict

SOME extremely useful advice from reader Andy Spurling, who tells us there are two unwritten rules in life:



Well, that makes a great deal of sense. So at least we all know what to do moving forward…

Read more: Remember when...