Mind your language

MEDICAL terminology can be most mysterious, and not just for the layman. Reader Bob Byiers recalls a doctor from distant parts working as a locum in an Ayrshire village. Confused by the local lingo, this chap asked colleagues during a coffee break what a patient meant when she said she was “jist hingin”.

One colleague didn’t entirely quell the visiting doctor’s confusion by explaining that the patient must be “a wee bit peely-wally”.

Cloud computing

ANOTHER dram of bar room badinage, courtesy of Ian Noble from Carstairs Village. A customer in a popular Wishaw watering hole handed his pint of beer back to the barman, complaining that the beer was cloudy. Lifting the pint to the light, the barman explained that the beer was fine, it was the glass that was dirty. He then returned the drink to the customer, who happily gulped it down.

Wonder land

WE mentioned that singer Amy Macdonald has a thorny problem on her hands, having noticed a programme on TV called Finding Alice, and another one called Losing Alice. She understandably wants to discover more about this enigmatic female before committing herself to either losing or gaining her.

Alastair J Douglas from Erskine commiserates with Amy, before suggesting that she undertake some intrepid detective work by getting in touch with 70s pop band, Smokie, who were, of course, last heard of Living Next Door to Alice.

Blown out

SADLY reader Jim Hamilton isn’t as sprightly as he once was. “l run like the winded,” he sighs.

Ginger blush

ANOTHER tale of fine dining that omits the fine bit. A friend of comedian Andy Cameron once made a successful business deal. Wanting to show his secretary his appreciation, he invited her to dinner with his wife and another couple.

As the starters were being served, the waiter said to the secretary, who had ordered a prawn cocktail: “Would you like some ginger with that, madam?”

"Naw, yer awright, son,” said she. “Mr Abernathy has ordered a boattle o’ wine.”

Brought to book

DESPITE last year’s difficulties, bookshops recorded their highest sales for almost a decade. Reader Michael Harris says: “Customers must have bought in bulk so they wouldn’t only have flock wallpaper to sit in front of during Zoom calls.”

Situation static

WE continue devising alternative meanings for well=known locations. Paul H. Costello suggests: Royston = Stay there, Roy.

Clean gags

CURIOUS reader Peter Morton says: “If I repeatedly made jokes about brooms, would friends start referring to my broom shtick?”

Read more: Remember when...