Sweet or sour?

WITH Valentine’s Day approaching, Bathgate comedian Fern Brady has experienced one of those romantic moments that are almost inescapable this time of year.

“My boyfriend said in a robotic voice: ‘I suppose I'd marry you as a practical recognition of our financial bond together,’” sighs Fern, who adds: “Omg, he's the sweetest!”

Fun with Flipper

A DIARY tale about aquatic life reminds George Hobson of a holiday in Florida, when he took his two young daughters to SeaWorld to swim with the dolphins. The assembled participants included a group of 10 to12-year-olds from Glasgow, with some of the group observing from the rocks.

After paddling with the dolphins, each member of the party was allowed to get close to one of them and give it a kiss and a cuddle.

As one of the Glasgow group prepared to embrace a dolphin, one of her friends on the rocks shouted: “Hi Lizzie!”

When Lizzie turned to see who had shouted, her pal advised: “Nae tongues.”

Heaven scent

OUR discussion about Edinburgh’s grand old emporium Jenners, which is soon to close, reminds reader Gordon Kerr of his late Edinburgh auntie, who called the store "Morningside North" and insisted the tearoom didn’t have the aroma of freshly baked scones, but overwhelmingly of White Linen perfume.

Shall we see the splendiferous likes of Jenners on the high street again, the Diary wonders?

Alas, not likely… unless Poundland commits to a daringly radical change in its current marketing strategy.


BALLET belle Darcey Bussell recently revealed that her initial inspiration came from clumping about at ceilidhs. We’re now hoping that Darcey will combine her love of classical dance with a rootsy Scottish mode of performance.

David Donaldson suggests instead of starring in Les Deux Pigeons the distinguished dame should kick up her heels in The Twa Doos.

Plant potty

IT was revealed this week that American scientists have taught spinach how to send emails. An important breakthrough, obviously, as it’s not as though boffins have any greater concerns to engage them.

Though reader Marvin Clarke isn’t impressed. “Teaching spinach to send emails is no big deal,” he snorts. “It’s not exactly rocket science, is it?”

Scholar-ship sunk

WE continue providing alternative meanings for well-known locations. Russell Smith suggests Kenmore = An unlikely occurrence during times of home schooling.

Goofy game

“GOLF is weird,” says reader Maurice Brown. “Vast areas of greenery dotted with little holes, just because blokes are embarrassed to ask each other if they want to go for a stroll.”

Read more: Those were the days ...