A SPORTING contact informs us there was some sort of competitive event at the weekend, where fine and upstanding Scottish chaps defeated a most hideous English rabble. At least that’s how our contact describes the occasion.

Having thoroughly investigated the matter, we can further reveal it was a game of throwyball, not kickyball.

Meanwhile, the patriotic poet Len Pennie (aka Miss PunnyPennie) has helpfully explained how to describe this stirring victory in the Scots language.

“‘Git it wrapped right roond yous,’ might be most appropriate,” she says.

Playing chicken

THE son of Glasgow reader John Di Paola has been quizzing his own little lad: “What's the capital of the Ukraine?” he asked.

The youngster merely responded with a blank stare, so dad gave him a clue.

"It gave its name to a chicken dish," he hinted.

"Is it Tikka Masala?" asked the boy.

Teacher schooled

THE longest running war in human history is that between teachers and parents. Reader Margaret Thomson recalls a new family had recently moved into her area, and the mother brought her daughter to enrol at the primary school.

After the headmistress had shown the mother round, the head said: "Don't worry. Your daughter will soon settle in and enjoy being here."

The mother was outraged by such a wicked suggestion.

"She's no here tae enjoy hersel’,” she scolded the foolish headmistress. “She's here tae get learnt."

Hong Kong phooey

OUR contributors often come from such poverty-stricken backgrounds that it would only need a sprinkling of flat caps, plus a jaunty song or two, to turn their humble childhoods into a Lionel Bart musical.

With a tear trickling down his cheek, Russell Smith, from Largs, recalls his own hardscrabble origins:

“At school in the 1940s I had a friend whose family were so poor that he had a brother made in Hong Kong.”

Limbering up

A DELIGHTED Malcolm Boyd, from Milngavie, is visiting his local sports centre today, where he will receive a jab in an upper limb as part of the vaccination programme. With the Scottish Government struggling to keep up with the pace of inoculations in England, Malcolm is now curious to know who will win this particular ‘arms’ race.

Location, location

WE continue providing alternative meanings for well known locales. Katherine Hutchison suggests:

Portknockie: A suspicious noise coming from the left-hand side of a boat.

Conversing cabbage

THE news that American scientists have developed technology allowing spinach to send emails has been intriguing our readers. Sandy Tuckerman says: “I’m now eagerly waiting for that first notification: ‘You’ve got kale'.”