Meat is murder

A RECENT mention of Vera Lynn in the Diary reminds Jim Allan from Cellardyke of his student days. As a resident of Glasgow Uni's MacBrayne Hall in Park Circus Place he frequently joined in choruses of “whale meat again” when yet another meal was served by Matron, who was stretching the meat allocation by using unrationed whale steak.

Our correspondent rather enjoyed the unusual flavour of these stews and grills, though he was definitely in the minority. This was evidenced when an entry appeared in the Suggestions Book proposing that: “In future Matron should order the whales singly, and not by the dozen.”

Keep on truckin’

A WHILE ago the Diary pointed out that Scotland’s gritters have ingenious and amusing names. These madcap monikers have subsequently garnered the trucks a great deal of attention from around the world.

David Donaldson believes the vehicles should now be given more scholarly sobriquets in order to promote proud Alba’s fabled love of learning. He has two highfalutin suggestions:

The Grittique of Pure Reason.

E = M8 Cleared.

Wild life

A FRIEND of comedian Andy Cameron taught in a large secondary school in Glasgow’s south side many years ago.

For a treat this chap took the top pupils in his class to Blair Drummond Safari Park. As 14 of the sooside’s brightest scholars relaxed on the grass, contemplating life and puffing fags, the tranquillity was disturbed by an irate park ranger, with gun fully cocked, screaming: “Get back on your bus NOW. There’s lions everywhere! Get back on your bus NOW.”

Whereupon one of the pupils, who Andy surmises must have been a prefect, shouted at the ranger: “Calm doon, ya rocket. Naebody’s touchin’ yer f***in’ lions.”

Conversing cabbage

THE news that American scientists have developed technology allowing spinach to send emails has been intriguing our readers. Sandy Tuckerman says: “I’m now eagerly waiting for that first notification: ‘You’ve got kale.’”


ANOTHER musical number to add to the social distancing playlist we’re compiling. Ian Lyell from Mauchline says that one of the most obvious songs to include is The Bonnie Banks o' Loch Lomond, which includes a commendable dictate that even Chris Whitty would approve of: “You’ll tak the high road an’ I’ll tak the low road…”

Computer says ‘No’

WE continue providing alternative meanings for well known locations. Bob Jamieson suggests: Pittenweem =

Possible suggestion when a person fails to remember their log-in password correctly.

Bubbles for body?

RUMINATIVE reader Roger Lloyd asks: “Does anyone actually use Head & Shoulders to wash their shoulders?”