Puggled paw

A TALE of agony and economy. The youngest son of Stevie Campbell from Hamilton is suffering from repetitive strain injury in his hand.

Stevie showed much paternal concern by diagnosing the cause of this ailment as being a result of the lad’s habit of dipping a paw into papa’s wallet.

The lad was unsatisfied with this prognosis and requested a second opinion.

Alas, the doctor agreed with dad and said the young man should have no more hand doubts in future.

True Grit

WITH the weather doing its white stuff falling from the sky thing again, the Diary is contemplating the subject of gritters.

We believe these ice-eradicating trucks should be given scholarly names to celebrate the fine work they do in preventing people from skiting on their bahookies. (For the amateurs amongst our readership, that’s a meteorological term meaning to remain firm of foot in adverse weather conditions.)

Reader David Donaldson claims our glorious gravel-gushing gritters would gain gravitas if they were given names such as:

Of Ice And Men.

Piers Ploughman.

Secretive spiking

WITH Masonic lodges being used as vaccinating centres, Hugh Dougherty wonders if chaps will now have to roll up a trouser leg to receive their jag.

Veg not vegetating

THE news that American scientists have developed technology allowing spinach to send emails continues to intrigue our readers, though not all of them are impressed. Alan Potter from Paisley shrugs his shoulders at the prospect of articulate spinach, and says: “For years Sunday School children have known of the intellectual qualities of the plant world when they sang Lettuce With a Gladsome Mind.”

Gobby Gallic gal

WE continue providing alternative meanings for well known locations. Iain Wilson has two suggestions:

Lanark = French female informant.

Dundrennan = We have completed the waste water disposal system.

Nutty nibble

A CULINARY tale from Russell Smith from Largs, who tells us a friend of his was once presented with two large, meaty delicacies in a Spanish restaurant, which on enquiry turned out to be a bull’s bobbly bits.

Faced with a much smaller pair in the same restaurant, some days later, he was told: “Sometimes, the bull, he win.”

Mac ‘n Black

MORE musical numbers to add to the social distancing playlist we’re compiling. Reader Graham Richmond has two suggestions:

Behind The Mask by Fleetwood Mac.

Step Inside Love (and you’ll get a visit from the polis) by Cilla Black.

Complex craving

CONCERNED reader Derek Bruce asks: “What happens if you get addicted to rehab?”

Our columns are a platform for writers to express their opinions. They do not necessarily represent the views of The Herald.