Bog awful behaviour

A FRACTIOUS Handforth Parish Council Zoom meeting went viral last week, with one of the participants, Jackie Weaver, subsequently taking her place alongside Rob Roy and Sir Lancelot as a member of the pantheon of British folk heroes.

Meanwhile, the Diary learns that other Zoom conference calls are bearing witness to equally bizarre behaviour.

A high school teacher from Glasgow’s West End was delivering a Zoom tutorial to pupils at home due to lockdown when one of the boys in her class revealed he needed to visit the toilet.

Intent on not missing any part of the lesson, he added: “Don’t worry. I’ll take you along with me.”

He then picked up his laptop and strolled towards the toilet while his horrified teacher and the other students screamed: “No! Switch off! Switch off!”

Puzzling profession

GLASGOW lawyer Matthew Berlow tells us that Airdrie Sheriff Court once heard an impassioned plea from a chap in the dock, who wanted the court to show leniency towards him as he had recently been offered the position of a ‘post cleaner’.

The sheriff, though a very learned fellow, admitted he had never heard of this vocation.

After a few moments of consultation with the chap he was representing, the lawyer explained to the sheriff that his client had assumed this was the title of the job when he saw written down in the Job Centre ‘Post: cleaner’.

Dictionary corner

OUR correspondents are often intrigued by the eccentricities of language. Arnold Garner says: “The word queue is ironic because it’s just a ‘q’ then a bunch of silent letters waiting in a line.”

Music not manly

A DIARY story about a young fellow buying an electric guitar reminds Mike Lennon of being eleven-years-old and telling his father: “When I grow up I want to be a rock star.”

“Make up your mind,” replied dad. “You can’t do both.”

Tree-mendous belief

OUR tale about the confusing words of a hymn reminds Nita Marr from East Lothian of Sunday school, where she sang: ‘Till hosannas reach the skies’.

“I thought hosannas were some kind of tree,” admits Nita.

The Diary, being very wise and erudite, knows this is not the case. A hosanna is a step ladder.

What, the Dickens?

WE continue devising literary names for gritters. Russell Smith from Largs suggests Great Excavations.

Team tactics

HELPFUL advice from reader Derek Morgan: “Always wear a balaclava to bed. If you’re robbed in the night they’ll think you’re part of the gang.”