Life on Mars

WE’VE done it! The human race has at last escaped the spinning ball of dust and misery that is planet Earth, and landed on another spinning ball of dust and misery, though for a refreshing change this one’s called Mars.

Full disclosure. When the Diary says “the human race” has fled to Mars, we don’t actually mean that any member of Team Homo Sapiens made the journey. It was an unmanned hunk of metal that NASA casually lobbed into orbit, like a boozy chap tossing an empty bag of pork scratchings to the pavement as he staggers home from the pub.

The six-wheeled vehicle, named Perseverance, will now trundle round the barren soil of Mars searching for life, while undermining any hope of finding it by polluting the atmosphere. (It’s a six-wheeled vehicle. Pollution’s their thing.)

The Diary wonders why NASA bothers. Why search for new lifeforms when there’s so many exotic specimens of humanity still to study on earth, as is proved by the following tales from our archives…

Mirror, mirror

SOME human lifeforms here on Earth have very strange names. One of our readers recalled: “I had a manager who was nicknamed The Mirror because any time you asked him about a decision or problem, he said: “I’ll look into it.”

Hard to swallow

YOU can learn a lot about our species from eating habits. A reader was once on holiday in York when he heard a large chap at the next table ordering a breakfast and asking for an extra sausage, bacon, black pudding, one more egg and a dollop of beans.

The waitress read back the order: “For the lady, porridge. And two cooked breakfasts for sir.”

Hill or hell?

LIKE the Perseverance, some of our readers have occasionally found themselves navigating fresh terrain. A visitor to Edinburgh once went seeking directions at the main tourist information office and was told to turn right, then it was “downhill all the way”.

There was a slight pause and then the tourist information officer added: “Metaphorically speaking, of course.”

Doggone it

A CHAP once swaggered into a Glasgow pub and proudly announced that he had escaped the house by telling his wife he was taking the dog for a walk.

“Where is it?” asked the barman.

The crestfallen tippler realised he was no mastermind as he muttered: “At home with the wife.”

Double dilemma

AN Edinburgh reader overheard a chap in Starbucks telling a business acquaintance: “I’m such an idiot. I forgot my sister’s birthday last week.”

His friend reassured him that it was a common slip-up, but the chap then added: “But we’re twins.”

Down and out

A READER was attending a fracture clinic and got into conversation with a chap having his leg, which was in a stookie, checked. The man revealed he was a former window cleaner.

Our reader asked when he’d given up the job.

“Halfway doon,” said the chap.

Key to success

“HE must be great at his job,” said a young lad staring in the window of a key cutting shop in Glasgow. “Look at all the trophies he’s got.”