Passing fair

CELTIC supporters may have noticed that it hasn’t been their team’s finest season. Though there has been some positive activity on the pitch, with David Turnbull proving to be one of Scotland’s most promising young players. According to ‘Football Wonderkids’, a website monitoring the statistics of up-and-coming footballers, Turnbull has made more key passes this season than any other young player in Europe.

The Diary concludes that the only footy star to challenge Turnbull in this area would be Frank McAvennie in his pomp.

Though, of course, most of Frank’s passes weren’t made on the pitch…

A likely story

Our readers are recalling the scandalous songs concocted during their misspent youth. Former Labour MP, Sir Brian Donohoe, provides us with this daffy ditty:

“Three wee girls at Leicester Square,

Selling knickers at threepence a pair,

They’re fantastic,

No elastic,

Not even fit to wear.”

Having studied this verse closely, the Diary has now charged its crack team of reporters with investigating a glaring contradiction within the narrative.

If the knickers are indeed fantastic (even though they are sans elastic) how can they also be unfit to wear?

Devine assistance

WE’RE celebrating the cultural impact of the late country crooner Sydney Devine. A former Edinburgh GP recalls that when the first drugs for HIV and AIDS were prescribed in the 1980s some patients struggled with the pharmacological names Zidovudine and Lamivudine.

So they became ‘Sydney Devine’ and ‘Lami Devine’.

Scotland for beginners

AS the battle heats up between Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond, English journalists are desperately trying to get up to speed with our pugnacious and puzzling brand of politics.

On Twitter, former Guardian columnist Suzanne Moore sounds like an errant schoolgirl who has forgotten to do her homework, and hopes a chum will help out, when she writes: “What IS happening in Scotland? In one tweet please.”

Bendy buddy

OUR correspondents continue recalling nutty nicknames. During his time in the merchant navy, Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie sailed with an engineer referred to as Harpic because everyone thought he was clean round the bend.

Killer performance

RIVER CITY actor Jordan Young dreamt he was in a play with Robert De Niro. “He stabbed me for real because he didn’t like me, or rate me,” sighs Jordan. On a more positive note, he adds: “It was still an honour to share a stage with him.”

Barque and bite

“IF you get into an argument on a canal boat,” wonders reader Steve Doyle, “should it be described as a ‘bit of argy-bargy?’”