Blue blood, bad blood

TOLSTOY famously wrote: “All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

The Diary agrees with the Russian scribble-scribble merchant, and offers up as evidence of the truth of his maxim our very own royal family, which is indeed “unhappy in its own way”.

What other family can claim to be so abjectly miserable, yet also own tiaras, thrones, a fancy gaff in central London, a holiday bolthole in the Highlands, a gold carriage and even a corgi dog or two.

Though the royals are also in possession of their very own Harry and Meghan, who frustratingly can’t be swapped for a few supplementary corgis.

The forthcoming Oprah Winfrey interview with H&M will undoubtedly lead to more anguish for the royal household.

Though as the following tales from our archives prove, Britain is an egalitarian nation, where anguish is dolled out in equal measure.

Sign language

IN this age of scientific wonders a number of Glasgow bus stops now have electronic displays showing when the next bus is due to arrive.

A Diary reader was once perusing one such technological marvel on Maryhill Road, which informed him that three buses were due in the next ten minutes, when an aged sage next to him declared: “Ah widnae pay too much heed tae that, son. They bus stoaps are famous for talkin’ a loada s***e.”

Barking mad

A CHAP in a pub was overheard complaining about his neighbour’s dog which was constantly woofing it up in the garden and driving him crazy.

“I’m going to kidnap that dog,” the chap declared, “and put it in my garden to see how he likes it.”

Road to ruin

AN EDINBURGH reader swore blind that a bus-load of American tourists was emptying in the centre of Edinburgh, and one of them stared at the craters in the road caused by the work which was being done on the tramline at the time.

“Was this terrorism?” he asked a local.

“Aye,” he was told. “But round here we call them councillors.”

Flight of fancy

A WISHAW reader confessed he didn’t know why his mobile phone was broken after his office night out. It only became clear when he went back to work and a colleague asked him if he recalled putting his mobile onto airplane mode then trying to fly it across the room.

Good grief

A YOUNG lad in Govan told his mum if she paid him a quid he’d be good for the rest of the day. “I shouldn’t have to pay you to be good,” his mother replied. “You should be good for nothin’ – just like yer faither.”

Tipple plus tirade

A BON VIVEUR attending a wine-tasting in Glasgow was told by the wine-seller: “Do you know what the most popular wine is in Scotland?”

When he replied in the negative, he was told: “There’s never anything good on the telly.”

Frown town

A READER once made the rather unfair and surely erroneous claim: “Greenock: a town that’s not twinned with anywhere else in the world – but does have a suicide pact with Dundee.”