Bum deal

A RESTAURANT story in the Diary reminds reader Robert Gardner of a funeral he once attended of a man from the travelling community. Many of the mourners had journeyed great distances to pay their respects, and a meal at a local hotel was provided. While everyone was enjoying some friendly banter a waitress asked the diners if they wanted chicken, steak or the vegan option. The gentleman next to Robert requested steak.

Asked how he would like it, he said: “Just wipe its a**e and put it on the plate.”

After a dignified silence, the waitress replied: “That will be rare, then.”

Latin for beginners

A POEM about the Latin language in the Diary reminds Colin Sykes from Eaglesham of a classic verse, purportedly written in the same ancient lingo, which famously appeared in one of the immortal Molesworth volumes produced by Willans and Searle:

Caesar adsum jam forte

Brutus adorat

Caesar sic in omnibus

Brutus sic in at.

(For those who haven’t come across the Molesworth books, they are to be recommended. Molesworth is a posh English schoolboy version of Oor Wullie. No dungarees. No bucket. No jings. No crivvens. Though very much the same anarchist attitude to life.)

Circular argument

CLEARLY reader Alan Nicholson has too much time on his hands, as he gets in touch to say: “If you rotate the word rotator you get rotator.”

More fandemonium

FOLLOWING the regrettable public celebrations of a number of Rangers fans, reader Hugh Dougherty suggests a new song should be added to the club’s song book to encourage the miscreants to reflect on the error of their ways.

And the song’s title? The Mask My Father Wore.

Madcap medics

NIFTY nicknames continued. Russell Smith from Largs tells us that in the early 1960s there was a tradition in an Ayrshire hospital where junior medics would entertain staff with a short show at Christmas. Characters featured in the show were satirical versions of the genuine doctors.

So the respected surgeons Messrs Ralston and Sangster became Gallstone and Gangster while orthopaedic surgeon MR Simpson was Mr Limpson.

Fishy thought

OUR correspondents are devising advertising jingles, based on famous songs, to support local businesses and kickstart the economy once lockdown ends. Robert Hamilton from Bearsden suggests a variation on a song from the musical South Pacific to help promote his local fishmonger: Salmon Chanted Evening.

Excuses, excuses

THOUGHT for the day from reader Maurice Thompson, who says: “Maybe tornadoes only run into things because they’re so dizzy from spinning.”