WELCOME, dear friends from the South.

We are so delighted to have you moving here to our fair green city and bringing all these civil service jobs with you.

Of course, your wife Sarah has already given her top tips for a whirlwind visit to Glasgow but, if we may, Ms Vine's girlhood travels here were a good while ago and things have changed somewhat in the interim.

Her brief tweet gave just enough detail for a nice afternoon in Glasgow but you are moving to live here permanently and so a proper guided tour is necessary to ensure you settle in well and make the most of life in the UK's best city.

Sarah has set the tone beautifully, as you know, by starting with one of our most loved restaurants. Or, certainly, most loved among the well heeled of the west end. We can't fault her. It is, very much, a wonderful introduction to Glasgow: the Ubiquitous Fish. You'll find it on Ashton Plaice, just off Buyer's Road.

Buyer's Road is our main city centre shopping street but also a nice start for a culinary journey around Glasgow.

Cynics may consider Ms Vine's assertion that she's had many fond times in Glasgow and wonder if there is anything that shows firm ignorance of the city than racking one's memory to think of "ubiquitous something" and not coming up with chips.

But listen, we can forgive her. Glasgow is renowned for its waterways, populous with fish. One can barely approach the Maryhill Canal or the Molendinar Burn of a weekend for the anglers and trout ticklers. And thank goodness, given the new Brexit restrictions.

The Ubiquitous Fish sits very near the River Kelvin, which is, of course, famous for its wild salmon fishing. Around October and November the banks of the river can become quite crowded as locals turn out to watch the fish swim upstream during the annual Scallopalooza Festival.

It really is quite a sight, and one highly recommended for newcomers to the city. Tweed jackets and breeks are mandatory, along with waders. Even for those only turning out to watch. We do have a slight problem with brown bears migrating to the river around this time, attracted by the salmon, so do also carry a whistle, spray and lengthy pole for prodding any pesky bruins away.

You might find people stopping to stare as you hang about on the river edge in your get up but know that they are glances of admiration, appreciating your willingness to be such a sport in partaking of these beloved Glasgow traditions.

Speaking of which, the city is renowned for the bonhomie between its two main football teams. The atmosphere in hostelries during matches is second to none. The Loudon Tavern is a great favourite among Celtic fans, so do wear green and white and head in for a pint. If you manage along to visit our famous Barras market then make sure to pop into one of the local bars wearing red, white and blue. You'll certainly be guaranteed a warm Glasgow welcome.

Speaking of which, in London it is customary to greet in the Continental style, a kiss to each cheek. You may find that there are those in the city who would prefer to introduce themselves to you by way of the traditional Glasgow kiss, but, due to the restrictions of the pandemic, they will refrain from close contact welcomes.

Instead, ensure you make polite enquiries as to the health of the other person's maw.

We have some beautiful stately homes in the city. Of particular note for visitors are Maison de Pâques and Chateau de Lait, both with illustrious histories. Maison de Pâques was a particular favourite with your colleague Ian Duncan Smith, Mr Gove. I'm sure you'll find it just as engaging.

Mix in the best Glasgow circles and you're bound to be invited to a coming out party at the Barrowland Ballroom, where the city's most nubile debutantes go to see and be seen.

You are a church going man and so let us recommend Drum Chapel to you. It has been often likened to the Sistine Chapel and we hope you find it just as wonderous. 

It is certainly not uncommon for people to feel the hand of God after communing with some fortified wine there. 

In fact, you should find everything you need in Glasgow, in ample quantity. If not, do remember to just ask. People make Glasgow, as it goes, and there will be plenty queued up with advice for you.