Mystery tour

WE continue with our tales of charitable acts that weren’t. A reader recalls a watering hole in the village of Kirn in the Highlands which attracted an eclectic clientele of locals and holidaymakers, all addled by alcohol and shorn of inhibitions.

Once, a tipsy tippler toppled over at the bar. The unconscious chap’s pockets were rifled and it was confirmed that he had enough of the folding stuff for a taxi, which was ordered, and he was duly dispatched.

The imbibing of liquids then continued with much enthusiasm.

A while later the tipsy tippler’s pal, who must have been taking a comfort break, returned and enquired after his vanished chum.

"Gone off home to Strone in a taxi," he was informed. "Not good," said he. "Dusnae stay there noo."

Upon hearing this there was a communal shrug, and the boozing continued without further comment.

Clean getaway

GLASGOW crime writer Douglas Skelton has been investigating commercials. “All these detergent ads now end with the warning to always keep away from children,” he says, adding proudly: “Been staying away from them for years.”

Mind the gap

A CONFUSED Ian Noble from Carstairs Village enquires: “Is it just me or does anyone else seeing ‘Noone’ being used instead of ‘No one’ immediately think: Herman’s Hermits?”

(The Diary believes there is a name for this grammatical error. When these two words are accidentally fused together it’s called Hermitically Sealed.)

Lawn order

THE list of most popular baby names was published recently and it reminds Russell Smith from Largs of a friend who claimed that at home his father referred to him as Kog, which translated as ‘Keep Off the Grass’.

Baby v birdy

SCOTTISH playwright Daniel Jackson (known as DC Jackson to theatrical types) finds himself in an exasperated mood. “My baby son is so noisy it’s like having a goose,” he says.

Barely able to suppress a sigh of discontent at the many disappointments even a proud parent must endure, he adds: “Of course, with a goose you’d get eggs.”

Frank discussion

WE are always sad when one of our correspondents is laid low by illness. John Mulholland recently noticed that whenever he hears songs by the likes of Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett he gets a headache and a pain in the ears. “I reckon I’ve got crooner virus,” he sighs.

Toxic talk

A KILLER query from reader John Bennet, who asks: “If poison is past its expiry date, is it more poisonous, or no longer poisonous?”

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