AN AWOL Boris Johnson was once represented by an ice sculpture, Roy Hattersley by a tub of lard. But how to mark the absence of one Alex Salmond Esq? 

It is not easy to get hold of a barrage balloon at short notice,  so nobody bothered. Everyone would simply pretend Salmond  and his Alba Party – pronounced “Gammon Party” – did not exist. That had always worked well in the past.  

So, 7.50pm, EastEnders done, it was over to Sarah Smith in Edinburgh. Except no-one had told Sarah, who stood there like a rabbit in the headlights. 

Joining Smith in a circle, each participant a regulation two metres apart, were Nicola Sturgeon, Douglas Ross, Anas Sarwar, Lorna Slater and Willie Rennie. Three guys, three gals, in a triple date straight out of a Stephen King novel. 

Every now and then there was a stirring in the shadows behind them. Could have been a trick of the light. Could have been Salmond, floating around like Banquo’s ghost. The Thane of Lochaber being the bane of Nicola’s life as usual, but the lady was not for spooking. 

Douglas Ross, Scotland’s answer to Frank Sidebottom, had not done one of these live debates before. He would have been happier running up and down the set waving a flag, but the podium set-up meant he had to stay put. Lorna Slater, the Greens’ Francie to Patrick Harvie’s Josie but without the laughs, also looked new to the game, as did Anas Sarwar, the richest man in the room unless Gary Lineker was paying a surprise visit to the set. 

Completing the only partly famous five were Nicola Sturgeon and Willie Rennie. Nicola was in a fuchsia trouser suit and white heels, as was oor Willie. If only. The LibDem leader sported a regulation blue suit, ditto Sarwar and Ross. 

This being the pandemic election, the audience were joining in via Zoom. They were represented as tiny squares in the middle of the circle, like some sort of technological sacrifice to the political gods. They seemed detached from the experience, and in that they mirrored the audience at home perfectly. 

With everyone on their best behaviour – even Nut ‘Em Nicola – it was a long 70 minutes. Debate over, viewers were invited to switch over to The Nine for a forensic analysis of the debate. Or you could have stuck a fork in your eye.