Fount of knowledge

CONTEMPLATIVE Bob Wallace from Pollokshields has been mulling over the important lessons he’s garnered from the last few extraordinary months.

1) He learned that Pfizer has a silent P.

2) He learned how to master a silent P when his wife was on a Zoom business call.

Food for thought

ONE of our readers recently made the controversial claim that Strathclyde University might be a smidgen more illustrious than a rival scholarly establishment perched upon a western hill. By complete coincidence it transpired that this chap had, himself, been educated at Strathclyde.

Another of our esteemed correspondents, Alex Lewis, studied up west, and he’s in a scrappy mood: “Clearly Glasgow Uni is better,” he says, before proceeding to prove his point: “I recall that it was only a five minute walk from any of my lecture halls to Greggs the Baker. To reach the nearest Greggs from the Strathclyde campus takes at least seven minutes.”

Shocking revelation

HAVING diligently studied the current political scene, an observant Wishaw reader has concluded that Boris Johnson’s splendid hairstyle is not the result of visiting a swish and swanky salon, which would, of course, be a most improper activity.

Instead, our correspondent believes that BoJo’s fiendishly frazzled "loopy Lear lurking on the heath" coiffure was created when the PM jammed his fingers into a live electrical socket.

The Diary feels duty bound to add that such behaviour should not be attempted at home. (By which we mean jamming one’s fingers in a live electrical socket. Or becoming Prime Minister. Either one is seriously bad for the health.)

Half-baked theory

A PROFOUND thought from reader Robin Gilmour, who tells us: “Bread is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.”

Testy text

A READER’S less than glowing recommendation for the year 2021, as it has so far played out, inspires Mitch Jones to tell us about a text message he recently received from a friend, which read: “Quick update about how I’m doing: Aaaaaaaaaaargh! So. How’s yourself?”

Liquid launch

THE Diary is devising jingles, based on famous songs, to promote local businesses once lockdown ends.

John Mulholland suggests publicans who want to gain a trading advantage by advertising the delivery of kegs of fresh beer for thirsty punters should use the 1957 Buddy Holly classic That’ll Be The Dray.

Friends indeed

FIENDISHLY cunning reader Bert Forbes has devised the perfect way to get ahead in life: “I learn from the mistakes of people who have taken my advice.”

Read more: Remember when...