Senior moment

A HERALD story about ferries reminds Robin Johnston from Newton Mearns of Captain ‘Squeaky’ Smith, a well known CalMac skipper of yesteryear. He was once buffeted by a storm of such severity that a passenger implored the Lord to send his son to save everyone on the boat.

Squeaky Smith decided to interject. "Dear Lord,” he said, “dinna send your son. Come yourself. It’s no work for a boy."

Schooled in scrapping

THE Diary always seeks to promote peace, love and understanding… except when we stumble across a deliciously juicy fight. Then we enthusiastically don our referee’s bowtie, skip into the boxing ring, and encourage the assailants to do what assailants like to do most. Assail each other.

Over the last few days, former students from Glasgow and Strathclyde universities have been knocking lumps out each other in an attempt to prove that their scholarly institution is the city’s finest. Today, another scrap-happy chappie enters the ring. And a new scholarly institution.

Ron Oliver from Elie attended Glasgow School of Art many years ago, and he says: “In the Charities week we referred to the Uni as Gilmorehill College of Further Education, and the emerging Strathclyde Uni as the See You School.”


Thoughtful… or thoughtless?

AN observation about marriage in the Diary reminds David Donaldson of a conversation he once overheard in a Byres Road café. A woman was complaining about her husband, leading her friend to respond: "I don't know how you can stand it."

"Well," said the complainer, after a long pause. "I just take a philosophical approach. I don't think about it."

Smear of sadness

THE teenage daughter of reader Lynn Blackstone was looking depressed. Mum asked what was the matter. The youngster replied: “I’m having a midlife crises.”

Mum pointed out that she was rather young for such a thing.

The teen responded: “I’ve no idea which part of my life will be the middle, so I’m spreading the crises around a bit.”

Making extra dough

WE’RE devising jingles, based on famous songs, to promote local businesses once lockdown ends. John Little from Suffolk says that shops selling bread and cakes might see a rise in revenues by using a tuneful advert based on the Gerry Rafferty classic... Baker’s Treat.

Dafty delays

PROCRASTINATING reader William Miller says: “I wanted to make a joke about the Suez Canal but unfortunately that ship has sailed.”

Bum deal

AMBITIOUS Bob Wallace wanted to start a colorectal consultancy: “Then I realised I’d have to start at the bottom and work my way up.”