Boxing clever

JUST when you thought it was safe to go back in the voting booth a new political party appears, with Alba playing Pepsi to the SNP’s Coke. The rival tartan teams will be furious with this analogy, of course. They both see themselves as Irn-Bru thru and thru.

Alex Salmond’s party has already been subjected to criticism over its calibre of candidates. How much scrutiny went into choosing them? It’s hard to say.

That’s not the case with the Diary. We’ve always been clear and transparent regarding the box-ticking exercise used to choose our contributors. First, we show potential candidates a photograph of a brush. Then we ask them a simple multiple-choice question.

Are you:

a) Less daft than this household implement?

b) As daft as this household implement?

Candidates who answer (b) are invited to contribute.

As the following classic tales from our archives prove, our system is flawless when it comes to collecting memorable tales…

Footy finito

REMEMBER parties? Remember offices? Before they both went the way of the dinosaur a reader was at one of those curious events that combined both – an office party – where he overheard a chap announce: “I’ve been banned from all major football grounds in Scotland for a year.” As other staff members tried to digest this nugget, he added: “That’ll teach me to forget our wedding anniversary.”

The dating game

AN EDINBURGH reader once phoned about the news that Edinburgh Zoo pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang had failed to mate, and told us: “It’s Edinburgh. Someone needed to explain to the male panda that he should have bragged about his property portfolio and bought her buckets of champagne first. Then it wouldn’t have been a problem.”

Beau says “No.”

A CHEEKY chap once declared to his pals: “I overheard the girlfriend on the phone to her friend saying she wants to get engaged on her birthday. I hope she finds someone nice.”

Slur on sir

MANY years ago a young lad was caught talking in class by a maths teacher who bellowed: “Do you want the belt, boy?”

“No,” said the lad.

“No, what?” barked the teacher, expecting him to say, “No, sir.”

The lad replied, “No, thanks.”

At which point the belt made an appearance.

Potty about Prince

A READER told us he bought his mum a commemorative Prince Charles teapot off eBay because she’s such an enthusiast for the royal family. Now whenever she uses it, she tells guests she likes the teapot because: “It never reigns but it pours.”

A fishy tale

A HUNGRY reader was once in a Glasgow chip shop late on a Friday when a drunk weaved in and asked for a fish supper. The helpful server told him that the fish wouldn’t be long.

“Well, it better be fat then,” replied the drunk.

Bar-room blasphemy

WE end with Easter. A pub philosopher once presented a controversial argument. Said he: “Let’s be honest. If it wasn’t for Easter eggs and Christmas presents, Christianity would be long gone by now.”