Family fun

HOW does a chap explain to curious dog walkers strolling past his house that there is an entirely reasonable explanation why a masked man, wearing a buxomly stuffed bra, is visible through his front room window?

Donald Munro – who lives in the house, and also happened to be the fellow in the mask (and bra) – tells the Diary that he was trying on a costume for his part in a live Zoom performance of Family, a trio of quirky monologues by Scottish playwright Gowan Calder.

The performance will be presented by dRC Productions this Saturday.

Donald remains blasé about the mask incident, and assures us he looked ravishing.

Fit for purpose?

WORKING in Uddingston the other day, reader Stevie Campbell overheard a conversation involving his colleague Barry, who was vehemently insisting that he wouldn’t return to his favourite gym until full normality resumes.

Or as he put it, he would be exercising his right not to exercise.

Dead wrong

THE joys of educating boys, continued. Languages teacher Barrie Crawford recalls one young scholar producing the following sentence in his German homework: “In der Schule studiere ich Englisch, Mathe und Friedhof.”

Teutonic linguists amongst our readers will have translated this as: “At school I study English, maths and graveyard.”

Barrie puzzled over this curious sentence for a while, then realised his pupil had wanted to write "chemistry". Unable to spell it in English, he had stumbled upon "cemetery" in his English/German dictionary, instead.

Politics, as normal

FOLLOWING Prince Philip’s death, political parties promised to temporarily stop campaigning out of a mark of respect. Leith-based comedian Jo Caulfield says: “They will continue their disrespectful behaviour next week.”

Bottle job

A WHILE ago Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie was strolling along the prom at Gourock when he noticed a bottle bobbing just offshore. By throwing stones he managed to guide it onto the beach where he eagerly unscrewed the lid and removed the slip of paper inside.

It read: “You have no new messages.”

Chocs away

THE daughter of Inverness novelist Shona MacLean (who writes as S.G. MacLean) brought mum a coffee at her desk, glanced in the wastepaper bin, and was appalled. And no wonder. For in that bin were Twirl wrappers. Milky Way wrappers. Mars Bar wrappers.

Shona stoutly defends her writerly routine by proudly pointing out that there was also a bit of orange peel in there.

Makes scents

“MY wife wondered if our kids were spoiled,” says reader Colin Murphy. “I told her most kids smell that way.”

Read more: Time travel to the fore