As imagined by Brian Beacom

LISTEN to me, no, I mean really listen to me. I do have something to say and I’m getting a bit fed up with being ignored.

I know you lot think of me as a Granville, a dreamer, a supporting character, someone who doesn’t attach himself to the realities of political decision making.

Well, just because I used to work in my dad’s grocery store in Fife, and I wear a sleeveless pullover at the weekend and my USP is being nice? But honestly, is being a Granville wrong?

Look, I know you’re thinking voting for the Liberal Democrats is a like being stuck in Arkwright’s shop forever, a Creamola Foam and Five Boys Chocolate timewarp. And yes, we had a wee surge of PLJ juice when Nick Clegg entered the coalition with David Cameron, and I know he went on to poison our relations with students.

But the Scottish Lib Dems are different from our UK counterparts because, while we’re exactly the same, we have different targets to take aim at. The SNP this week for example, is offering voters a free bike, laptop, subscription to Sky and a week in the Balearic Island of their choice (or if not yet, give it a week or so) – and it’s shameful.

The First Minister has even admitted the SNP haven’t worked out where the money will come to pay for it all. I, however, do know my way around a till. And unlike the FM, I know if we need stocking up with sherbet lemons and tins of Princes tuna, someone has to pay for them. The customer. Which is you.

What I also know is we need to think about mental health. About getting young people outdoors. That’s why we’re launching an urgent programme to help children bounce back in education. I can’t say how the children will bounce back at this stage, but unlike the SNP we won’t be offering every family a free backdoor trampoline.

What you’ll be wondering mostly I’d guess, however, is why did I agree to have my pic taken last week in a giant yellow-striped deckchair, on a beach with the sea lapping up? Well, I’d like to say it was a metaphor to express how insignificant the self is, and we can’t withstand the earth’s natural tides.

The truth is it was a PR daftie of an idea. Now, you may say as someone who once worked in PR, I should have decked the person who came up with the deck chair idea. But I know the value of mental health support so I bought them a packet of Love Hearts instead.

You may also ask how I can possibly cope with the surge towards independence. Well, I’ve said before that independence will be like Brexit on a rocket to Mars. Nicola Sturgeon is a rocket. But I am not a Rocketman. My feet are here, on earth. And recovery starts with a fella on a Forties grocers’ bike.

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