IT’S hard to put a finger on why my chin isn’t “keeping up”. But there it is.
It’s been a long time travelling this long road – with a lot of bumps on the way.
The longing for sleep and my lack of resistance to closing my eyes might just be the easy antidote to my travel weariness.
Things might be going on in my head I don’t know about, connected to tumours or just the way things can spiral and happen after so many long months of shielding and cancer.
I can usually persuade myself of just about anything – pick myself up, dust myself down and start all over again.
And I am usually good at digging deep and emerging somewhere more positive.
I’m a man who finds ways round problems, a solver, a go over, under or around type.
Yet, recently when I awake from a deep sleep in a chair, I am dizzy and slightly out of breath. My observations (obs – heart, pulse, oxygen levels etc) ratios remain fine. So this isn’t physical.
Laura sees it hanging over me (the cloud). Just a bit down, I say, and then there’s the spontaneous and welcome cuddle. That helps briefly.
Is it that there is no dog at my feet, no car in the driveway, no holiday to look forward to? Is it because there are alien growths in my brain and cancer cells in my chest?
Or is it that I have broken ribs and broken collar bone, and no left lung?
Is it that every day is becoming increasingly the same?
I buy things online. They are delivered. There is no buzz of excitement when they arrive.
Like treading water, I go window shopping again – that same little window to the world I call my phone.
But I use it rarely as a phone.
I write with enthusiasm when I get going. I thank God I do – I can still at least find that spark.
And yet when I post something on Facebook and it gets negative reactions, I uncharacteristically feel like I am being attacked.
I have become fragile.
This is new to me. A controversial discussion or disagreement online should stimulate – but it doesn’t. These are all signs I must read and note and translate.
This column is going to be proofread by Laura who will be the first person to read it. A conversation has begun.
I may use my phone a little more as a phone instead of a shop window. It’s time to do that, I tell myself.
Ally McLaws is a freelance specialist in writing, business marketing and reputation management. See the full range of services on offer and view all previous back issues of this column at: www.mclawsconsultancy.com
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